Hindsight
by Arrow
Summary: Hindsight can be a blessing and a curse, to have the ability to look back and learn from your mistakes is good as long as you don't get caught up in the memories. This is what the Exile must cope with. KOTOR & TSL spoilers. COMPLETE
1. 1

This is a story for Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords. Obviously there will be spoilers… you have been warned. It features a lightside female Exile and lightside female Revan (at least in flashbacks) and takes place during the game.

It also features a certain sexy Jedi Master from Onderon. ;) Constructive criticism and comments are always appreciated. Anyway, enjoy the show. "" means there's a flashback incase you didn't catch on right away.

**Hindsight**

Chapter 1

Sometimes the Ebon Hawk talks to its inhabitants. Sometimes the hum of the engine and the cool feel of the interior speaks of things that have happened and things to come. The quiet hum of the hyperdrive or the faint sound of repair work near the workbench always brings out conversations, and sometimes arguments. But more than anything the Ebon Hawk allows groups of people that would never have come together, speak. Truly speak, in an environment that is without the common distractions of gathered groups. The Ebon Hawk brings conversation to light, whether it be through boredom from a stir crazy Jedi, or calm for those who normally would not to really speak there mind.

That is why the Exile found herself speaking to the crew in the Ebon Hawk. She would play Pazaak with Atton, meditate with Kreia, and help Bao-Dur with some repairs. She found that she could come out of her shell on the Hawk. She supposed that a few years ago, she would have simply brushed him off. Or even a few hours ago on Dantooine she might have ignored the look he was currently employing on her. It was a look of quiet penance, one that younger Padawans would have waiting for one of the older 'cooler' Knights to notice them. She sighed and winced against the light above her. "Something on your mind?"

He smiled; it was such a quiet thing. The Disciple's smile was soft on his face and looked serene without the arrogance that some Jedi sometimes flaunted. It was not nearly as disarming as the way Atton smiled, but it made her relax more than she would have liked. He looked towards the seat next to her and she nodded to him to sit. "I actually had some questions if you wouldn't mind?"

She sighed. Of course she would mind… she hated questions. Questions only brought answers to things she did not want to focus on. But something about how eager he was, how calm his presence was to her, it caused her to say exactly the opposite of how she felt. "I'm always up for a few questions." He smiled warmly, thrilled with the news she was sure to regret. She stole a quick glance behind her to make sure Atton had not heard that, he would ask questions she truly could not answer.

Disciple straightened himself up and cleared his throat. His pose was disconcerting to her, it reminded her too much of times that she had long put behind her. He spoke like a Jedi, he walked like a Jedi, and he even sat up straight and inviting like a Jedi. Or to be more specific just like she used to. She tried not to focus on it as he began to speak. "I was just curious, you mentioned you trained on Dantooine, but I did not see you there until the last bit of my training," he looked at her expectantly, like she had to answer the question before it was asked. She hated that, it was done too often, so she said nothing, but made a slight gesture for him to continue. "Well I was wondering what your training was like on Coruscant?"

She blinked. "What?"

Disciple looked uncomfortable, he finally broke out of his stiff pose to squirm a bit. "Is that an uncomfortable subject?"

She stared at him for a moment; it was odd to her how someone could be so open and honest. He was so completely uncomplicated. She took no effort in deciphering him, but with her years of not trusting people, she expected even out of Disciple, something hurtful. If she remembered how, she would have laughed. He was just what he appeared to be; it had been so long since she had seen that, she had almost forgotten it existed. She realized that she had been silent for the past few minutes and shook her head. "No, it was just an unexpected question, is that really all you want to know?"

He looked around for a moment, almost nervously. As he turned back on her, his eyes reminded her of the younger Apprentices that used to try to hang around the older Knights. She supposed he would always have that in him, but sometimes with his steady, calm demeanor she forgot that. He smiled again, "Actually, I was wondering what it was like to train with… well the other Jedi in your age group?" he paused for a moment and added, "On Coruscant, I am actually curious. I never had the chance to study there."

She turned her head to the side and tried to gage his expression. "Well I've had a lot of training, what would you like to know?"

He seemed to tense for a moment and she could feel he was uncomfortable again, but this had a different feel to it. "Well, now I do not think I expressed myself correctly, what I would like to hear, is something about you… from your time on Coruscant," he looked up at her with all that earnest in his eyes again. "Just something that would be about you."

She felt heat on her neck. The tension and awkwardness had raised a few levels; she had not talked to someone this personably since, well for a long time. She looked at the ceiling of the Hawk and gained the urge to count the metal plates. She let out a puff of air, "A story about me…" she thought for a moment and the same one popped in her head, she pushed it aside, she did not need to retrace that. She had spent the last five years examining that. "Well… let's see," she could not get _him_ out of her mind, it was why she hated thinking upon her training, and it was why she was carefully avoiding a certain planet. She sighed and thought of something that while having him in it was not the focus. Or at least, she did not have to tell the story that way.

She leaned back and looked at him. She brought her legs up under her. "Before I was an exile, I was just a regular Apprentice, nothing important. I think some of my memories from Coruscant revolve around how unimportant I felt, but of course that's what happens when you surround yourself with outstanding pupils."

He nodded, already baited by the story. "Like Revan?"

She nodded and eyed him shrewdly. "Good guess, yes, but even though Revan is the most famous, there were others that were bright and ahead. I didn't think of them as future great Jedi, or the… well the ghosts that pale in the power of the Force," she looked down for a moment and sighed, "But I don't wish to speak of that, I just thought of them, even Revan, as friends."

* * *

"So then I said, 'I don't even know HOW to work a G7 engine, why would I want to build one?'" Revan finished with a flourish and lifted the hair from her face. "And that's what happened."

Master Vrook looked like he was counting to ten in his head as he closed his eyes. "Apprentice, that was an," he snorted indignantly, "_interesting_ story, but it fails to explain how the oil got all over your robes."

Revan thought for a moment, "Well… see that's the funny thing about it, I did try to build one anyway, and well…"

Vrook glared at her. "And what?"

Revan smiled sheepishly, "Did you know if you plug in the wrong wire the engine blows up?"

He closed his eyes again and rubbed his temple with his hand. "Revan, you-"

"Master Vrook!" one of the older Knights came running over and successfully distracted Vrook from his incoming tirade.

Revan leaned back upon the wall near her and breathed a sigh of relief, as the Knight shot her a secret wink and kept Vrook occupied. Revan grinned and turned towards the two apprentices near her, one with sandy blond hair named Talvon Esan, and one with long pale hair soon only to be known as 'the Exile,' but referred to as Jene Wynn for the time being.

Talvon laughed. "You have to be the luckiest girl I have ever met!"

Revan rolled her eyes and shook back the hair in her face again. "If that were true, the engine wouldn't have exploded in the first place!"

He grinned. "I can't believe you blew it up!"

Revan's eyes lighted up with all the amusement and vigor from youth. "It was SO cool!" she looked suspiciously around her and then back to the two Apprentices. "It did give me a great idea though!"

Jene frowned. "That can't be good."

Revan just waved her off, "Lighten up, Gi. I've got it down this time… I've been reading up on the structural integrity of engines manifolds and-"

Talvon cut her off. "Wait, shock of shocks, Revan's been reading up on something!"

Jene caught the urge to giggle as Revan glared at him. "I was just spending some extra time in the library."

He looked up thoughtfully and posed a question, "Yes. Question, would all this extra time be when you should be sleeping?"

"I sleep!" Revan protested.

Talvon laughed. "Yeah, during Master Vrook's lectures no doubt."

She smiled sheepishly. "I only did that once… can I get back to my point please?"

He groaned and waved her on. "Fine, but hurry up please… oh wait…" he looked across his shoulder with a frown, "We should get going, that new Apprentice from Dantooine is coming."

Revan blinked and looked at Talvon. "What's wrong with him?"

The boy shrugged, "Just weird I guess."

Jene and Revan both stared at him in disbelief. Jene was the first to speak up for once, "That's not a very Jedi like attitude, Talvon."

Talvon looked down at his feet, "Geez, you sure do have a way of making me feel bad Jene, taking lessons from Master Vrook?"

The Apprentice from Dantooine stepped over. He was taller than most of the other apprentices and gaited next to one of their friends. Talvon groaned. "Not another one," he glared at Revan, "Force, Revan, Malak is worse than you. Can't we just keep the group the way it is?"

Revan frowned at him. "Don't be elitist."

He shrugged. "If I knew what that meant, maybe I'd agree…"

Jene smiled and poked him in the shoulder. "Of course we could always stop hanging around you, that would significantly lower the idiot ratio."

Revan laughed and winked at Jene, who felt a tremor of pride ripple up her neck. She turned towards the two approaching boys. Malak led the new Apprentice ahead of him; he had dark skin and eyes and made Malak look paler than Jene's hair. Malak coughed in an official sort of way, causing Revan to giggle, and after a quick glare in her direction (which only caused her to giggle more), he introduced the new apprentice, "This is Xaset Terap, he's from Dantooine. He'll be studying with us at Coruscant for a while."

"Duh," Talvon rolled his eyes and stuck out his hand. "I'm Talvon."

Xaset eyed him carefully and looked at his hand. "Are you sure you don't want to wash that first?"

The group, sans Talvon who was turning red, started to laugh. Revan patted Xaset on the back. "You'll fit in just fine Xas, I'm Revan," she pointed to the future Exile, "That's 'Jean', but it's spelled J-E-N-E and you already know Malak."

He nodded and stuck out his hand to Talvon. "Sorry, Malak warned me about you."

Talvon shrugged and glared at his hand for a moment. After a quick glare from Revan he shook his hand and grinned. "No hard feelings, just don't make it habit."

Jene smiled quietly. "So what is Dantooine like?"

Revan's eyes lit up. "Yeah, I heard they have Master Polak there and that all the soon to be Padawans will have to go there to be assigned Masters. And I read that-" Revan's tirade was cut short, by Malak's hand over her mouth.

He arched an eyebrow and shook his head. "We know you've read up on everyone and everything Revan, but there's no need to overwhelm him." Malak, being Revan's friend since they were first in the order, should have pulled his hand away sooner, because soon there were teeth imbedded in it. He pulled back and growled. "Revan!"

The young apprentice wiped her mouth and shrugged. "Stop trying to look tough in front of the new kid," she stuck her tongue out in a mature fashion and turned to Xaset. "You can continue."

Xaset smiled, he looked well beyond his years. "Dantooine is more calm than this, but I think I'm going to like it here."

Jene smiled and looked around. "It's a little overwhelming, but you will get used to it."

Malak turned to face Revan, really looking at her for the first time since they had arrived. "Why in the Force are you covered in oil?"

She grinned sheepishly. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that, I'd better go change before my next lesson."

Malak rolled his eyes, it was a given that she would regale him with the tale of what happened later, but for the moment he seemed better off not knowing. He turned towards Xaset, "What are you scheduled to attend next?"

Xaset took out a datapad from his pocket and skimmed through it. "I have training with Master Zhar."

Revan scoffed and frowned. "Yeah, what a fun lesson. He makes you use wooden practice swords," she lifted her hands up in an expression of annoyance, "I mean why can't we use Vibroblades to practice?"

Malak rested his arm on top of his younger friend's head and smiled down at her. "Maybe because a vibroblade is larger than you."

She ducked from his arm, causing him to lose some balance and wobble a bit. She swatted at him. "You know what, Malak, just because you're taller than me now, doesn't mean that you can constantly rub it in!"

Malak blinked. "Yes it does."

Jene interrupted quickly and grasped Revan in mid protest. "You should really get changed, we have lessons with Master Dolan, on medicinal practices and I don't think he'd appreciate you dripping oil all over his clean floors."

Revan looked at Jene and the girls could feel one long strain of impatience flowing through each other. Revan sighed and relented. "Fine, I'll see you at the library, Malak. It was nice to meet you, Xas."

As the girls began to walk away they heard an undignified protest from Talvon. "What about me?"

Jene and Revan could not hear the boys' response to that, but they were sure it was something that would lead to friendly banter. Jene still had her arm loosely wrapped around Revan's as they walked the courtyard of the temple in silence. It was one of the few times Revan was silent. There was something peaceful about walking across the temple grounds, if you stepped outside of Coruscant, or even looked up a bit, speeders and noise was all that inhabited the area. But here in the temple there was quiet and tranquility. Revan looked at Jene and grinned conspiratorially. Jene blinked in confusion, but looked up towards where a tall younger Master was walking with one of their friends, Nisotsa.

The short blond smiled sheepishly at the man leading her. "Thanks for saving me from that droid, Master Kavar." Many of the apprentices and Padawans had a certain way of saying 'Kavar' that just rolled off their tongue and curled into a loving hug. Nisotsa was the worst. She clung greedily on to the newer Master who looked more bemused than anything else. Master Kavar was either virtually unaware of all the attention, or preferred to ignore it, the latter was most likely.

"Just stay out of the older Padawans practice next time," he chided, but Nisotsa was too distracted by how his hair was curling from light brown to dark blond. He sighed, "Not even to watch, you can observe from the viewers in the back next time. Those practice droids are tough."

"You're telling me," Revan blurted out, without realizing it. Her eyes widened and she grinned nervously. "I mean, from what I've heard, Master Kavar."

Kavar raised an eyebrow to her and shook his head with a smile. "Do I want to know how you become covered in oil, apprentice?"

Revan grinned, "Well it all started when this Rodian with four fingers approached-"

Jene shook her head and covered Revan's mouth. "No, you don't. Trust me, Ka- Master Kavar you would be better off." Jene had known Kavar from when he was a Knight training at the academy and she had trouble remembering to call him with his 'Master' prefix.

He laughed. "I'm sure it'll be as interesting as the last time, maybe you should change before Master Vrook sees you, Revan."

Revan was about to say that Vrook had already seen her, but thought better of it. She looked at Jene with a wry grin, "I'll catch you at lessons, Jene." She ushered Nisotsa away from Kavar, earning a grateful glance from the Master that the younger girl did not seem to notice. "Come on, Nita, help me pick out what to wear… let's see, the apprentice robes… or the apprentice robes, or maybe the apprentice robes…"

Nisotsa giggled and forgot about her clinging on with the handsome Master. "How about the apprentice robes?"

Revan nodded and wagged her finger, "Good choice!"

Jene smiled and shook her head. "I don't know how she gets those stains out."

Kavar smiled amicably at her, "With Revan you never know, she might have discovered a new Force power for laundry." Jene smiled again and it lit up her eyes. Kavar looked back behind him, "Would you like an escort to class, apprentice… I have some things to speak with you about."

She was intrigued and nodded. They walked along one of the more beaten paths, around where all the trees (most likely the only trees in Coruscant) circled small meditation areas. "What is it?"

He sighed and all the premise of him being a Master melted away and he was just Kavar, her friend. "Well I really shouldn't be telling you this…"

Jene turned around and began to walk backwards she crossed her arms in front of her. "You can't start out a sentence like that, it's not fair!"

Kavar nodded. "True enough…" he smiled as she threw up her hands in exasperation, "Alright, calm down. And walk normally, please. I keep thinking you're going to trip over something…"

She shook her head. "I don't trip, that's Talvon's job."

"Fair enough…" he was quiet for a minute before Jene poked him in the side. "What was that for?"

She huffed and stopped them both by a pair of trees that were just beginning to blossom. "Stop teasing me! What were you going to say?"

Kavar smiled, with a wicked glint in his eye and sat down on a patch of grass. "Fine, but patience is a virtue, young one," she crossed her arms and sat next to him. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You might have noticed a sudden influx from the Academy on Dantooine…" She nodded and pulled her knees up under her, so she could rest her arms and head on them. He eyed her carefully and sighed. "Well, many of the Masters are moving down there to take on a more permanent position. So…" He left it in the air and Jene's eyes were searching for something.

"Sith spit!" she cursed suddenly and blushed at Kavar's chiding gaze. "Sorry, just once though I wish Revan wouldn't know everything."

Kavar blinked, "Revan knew about the transferring?"

Jene shook her head, "No, she," Jene raised her fingers in quotations, "_heard_," she nodded knowingly, "that all the soon to be Padawans would have to go to Dantooine to choose their path and be assigned a Master."

Kavar frowned and leaned back against the tree near him, one of the blossoms falling on his head. He picked it up and shook his head, handing it to Jene. "Well, so much for the big news…" he sighed, "But that's not all."

Jene blinked, "It's not?"

He shook his head. "Well have you considered what path you plan on taking? It is a very important decision and the time to choose is fast approaching."

Jene looked down at her feet. "I guess I hadn't really thought about it…"

Kavar stood up and dusted the grass from his robes, he offered his hand to Jene, who took it and was hauled up to her feet. He kept her hand in his, "Think about it carefully. There is something coming I fear… and these choices may make all the difference in the end."

Jene looked down at the hand he was holding and felt her neck heat up. She nodded softly. "I will."

He let go of her hand and smiled down at her for a moment, he shook his head and grinned. "Well you best be off to class, before you're late and Master Dolan makes you clean out the Kolto tanks."

Jene nodded and smiled brightly at him, feeling just a bit lighter in her steps. She turned around and took a fast walk towards her destination. "Don't look back," she told herself under her breath, but found herself turning around for a moment anyway. Kavar was still standing by the tree looking after her. He smiled at her and waved. She smiled back and… ran straight into a wall.

"Ow," she groaned nursing her head. She sighed and blew a strand of hair out of her head, getting to her feet quickly, this time refusing to look back. "I don't know what hurts more, my head or my pride," she muttered as she picked up the pace to her lesson.

* * *

"So Talvon was clumsy?" Disciple asked, carefully dissecting the story and every detail.

She leaned back and nodded. "Extremely, there was not a place in the entire Academy where he had not tripped, fallen, or both," she sighed and looked up, glassy-eyed, at the ceiling.

Disciple was quiet as she lost herself in thought and places where she wished she were, as much as she wished to forget they ever happened. He placed his hand on her shoulder and with a squeeze he stood up. She leaned back into her shoulders and rubbed her temples. There were so many memories she wished she could forget, wished that she could remember, wished that she could grasp, and wished that she did not want.

"How did you decide?" he asked before leaving.

She blinked and looked in his direction, apparently completely forgetting his presence. "What?"

He frowned thoughtfully, "Your choice of Sentinel, how did you decide?"

She looked at him for a moment. "It just came to me, I suppose. I've always preferred the middle ground."

He nodded and walked out into the hallway. She supposed he would head to the medbay, or to one of the empty spaces to meditate. She leaned back in the chair and sighed. She remembered exactly when she had chosen. And she remembered how close she had come to choosing… what she wanted to choose. Her mentality had always been pragmatic and practical; she had worked things out, not with her heart, but with her mind. She wondered how long she would keep doing that. She glanced in the direction where the Disciple had gone. She could tell he admired her, it was a bit disconcerting at times, but sometimes it just felt comfortable. She always felt more comfortable teaching, than... well being the General. Leading had come naturally to her, it might have something to do with being friends with Revan, but she was just able to do it. She enjoyed teaching; she could be as soft spoken, as she wanted to be. She thought she had put leading behind her years ago.

Maybe that was why things turned out the way they did. She was always turning away from things, instead of embracing them. But, she never had much luck embracing them either.

She groaned and leaned her head against her lap. She tried to think of when she chose her path and found a small smile curving her lips, it was too small to notice, but she could tell from the pain it brought the muscles in her face. She could not remember the last time she truly smiled. Just a simple thing, and if she could go back she never would have taken it for granted. There were many things she would not have taken for granted, if she could go back. But hindsight is a curse and a blessing.

She closed her eyes and tried to remember.

* * *

She sighed and ran a hand through her longer pale hair. Her bottom lip was becoming quite sore as she kept puncturing it with her teeth. It would happen every time she looked in the direction of all the Masters discussing matters. They had been discussing things constantly, just out of her reach, ever since they had arrived on Dantooine. The thought of Dantooine alone was enough to frighten her, she might stay here, or she might be whisked away to another location completely like Nisotsa. All of these things rested on her decision. She would be paired up soon... she shot a sideways look towards Master Kavar and felt her face become pink. She looked down... did she want to be a Jedi Guardian just for the chance of Kavar being her Master? She shook her head fiercely and winced as a stray strand of hair smacked her in the eye. 

There was no way he would even considering choosing her anyway.

"Deciding on what path to take?" Malak sat next to her. His voice was smooth and calmed her nerves a bit. She let out a soft nod. "It's a hard decision, but it will come to you..." he arched an eyebrow and scoffed. "Just don't choose based on the color of your lightsaber."

An annoyed huff came from nearby as the ever-vibrant Revan stepped over a few bushes and rocks, looking deeply offended. "Don't listen to him, I did NOT choose to be a Jedi Consular just because I like green."

Malak turned to face her with an amused grin. "Really, Revan... out of curiosity what is your favorite color?"

Revan's face was flushing. She stuttered. "That, th, that's besides the point!"

Malak shook his head. "Green, I believe..." Revan glowered at him, "And what color does a Consular start off as?"

Revan smacked him on the arm. "Shut it! I chose that path, because it fits me, it's the path of the wise, intelligent problem solvers," she smirked, "Unlike you, 'Mr. Let's Plow Through Everything With My Extreme Might Guardian!'" she made the motions to impersonate a body builder and Malak began to redden as well.

Jene smiled lightly as the two began to fling insults at each other. She blinked in the sunlight as Kavar's face was alighted with shadows accentuating his chiseled features. She never had these thoughts before, she had sure heard some of the other girls go on about it, but it did not seem the same. Was she old enough to feel this way? Or more to the point, did she really know how she felt? All she knew is that she wanted to be near him, but that was dangerous for a Jedi to form such an attachment… or at least that is what they had always told her. She looked to the side of her where Revan and Malak were still bickering, they had been friends since they first came to Coruscant and their names were synonymous with trouble. They had been together and were obviously attached, but that seemed to make them stronger.

But she was not Malak or Revan. And as that phrase dawned on her, she took one more glance in the directions of the Masters, catching the corner of Kavar's eye. He winked at her and made a gesture with his hand, that he was not enjoying the conversation. She smiled and looked back towards Revan and Malak. "I think you just helped me make my decision..."

Revan and Malak turned to face her, Revan's arms were still in a wing position, obviously calling Malak some sort of bird, while he still had a finger raised in a nonthreatening manner. Revan blinked. "We did?"

Jene nodded. "I think I'm not enough of an extreme to go towards either path, the Sentinel seems perfect for me."

Malak and Revan seemed to forget their argument and patted her on the back. "That is a good choice," Malak nodded his approval.

Revan smiled and nodded excitedly. "Yeah, yellow lightsabers look awesome too..." she turned towards Malak who was eyeing her and cut him off before he could speak. "Shut up!"

Malak put his hands on his hips, "I didn't even say anything, but if I had of..."

Jene smiled to herself as the friendly banter got further away from her. She supposed Kavar was out of the question now. She turned her vision towards him. But… she smiled lightly to herself. That didn't mean she couldn't go in for some extra lessons.

"Are you sleeping?" a voice and a hand shaking her gently roused her out of her memory and nap.

She blinked and looked up to see Bao-Dur, the ever-faithful Zabrak looking at her with concern. As she realized what the question was she raised an eyebrow, sleepily. "How am I supposed to answer that?"

Bao-Dur shrugged, and her vision blurred in and out as his remote flew by, "I suppose you couldn't, General. Atton says we should be all set to leave in a minute, he wanted to suggest Nar Shaddaa again."

She sat up and groaned as she realized her feet were still under her and currently asleep. "He won't give that up, will he?" She cocked her eyes toward Bao-Dur, "Where's T3-M4?"

He gestured to the left of him and she sat up, rubbing her legs trying to get some life back into them. "T3, give me that list of Masters again?"

The droid beeped in the affirmative and one by one the council that had sealed her fate looked at her, as she recognized the face and expression of the one that she had thought of day in and out, she came to a decision. "Tell Atton, he can set in a course for Nar Shaddaa."

Bao-Dur looked slightly confused. "General?"

She shrugged. "It'll be nice to give him something he wants for once, maybe he'll go easier on me at Pazaak," she winked at him, her eyes devoid of humor.

Bao-Dur nodded, "I understand why you are avoiding Korriban, but I have to ask, why you would not rather head to Onderon?"

She stared at him for a moment. "I suppose I'm not ready to face old war wounds yet," she half-lied.

Bao-Dur nodded slowly, understanding in his eyes. "Say no more, General. I shall inform Atton of our destination," he started to walk away but stopped and turned towards her, "General?"

She looked up, not even realizing that she had drifted off again. "Yes?"

"You might want some rest in one of the bunks… those chairs can't be good for your neck."

She waved him off and tried to straighten the wrinkles in her robes. Atton had more than once mentioned that Nar Shaddaa was the best place to get lost. She sighed. "It might be nice to get lost for a while."

That's all she really had ever done, was lose herself. But she really was not ready for Onderon right now, she did not know if she would ever be.


	2. 2

**Hindsight  
**Chapter 2

Atton had been giving her strange looks all day. She thought he would be happy coming here, but something about Nar Shaddaa was bothering him and he had been eyeing her strangely ever since she had Force Persuaded three thugs to get away. At first she had thought he was irritated that she had drawn attention to them (something in her years of Exile she had not needed to worry about), but he seemed to be holding something else back. She wanted to reach out into his mind and find out, mostly to sate her own curiosity, but after the last time she had done that to him had ended badly, she decided against it. If she had been paying more attention to her surroundings, instead of letting her thoughts wander, she might not have run into Atton's back.

She groaned and rubbed her nose, feeling glad that Kreia had decided to stay on the Hawk with Disciple and Visas, so as not to be lectured on not keeping her senses open. On the other hand, Kreia was probably listening in on her thoughts and feelings at this very moment. She shook off the shivers running up her spine and saw that Atton had not even noticed her intrusion. "Why did you stop?" she asked still rubbing her nose in an irritated manner.

Atton was grinning and that was never a good sign. He turned towards her, his hands rubbing together in a way that signified he was having a brilliant (in Atton's mind) idea. She frowned; this was definitely not a good sign. Bao-Dur shot her a look; he understood why she was worried. Atton was completely nonplussed by the looks they were giving him.

He took a deep breath and a smile. "I can smell a Cantina from miles away."

"I don't think that's a Cantina, Atton," she grimaced, "And if it is, it's one of the worst smelling ones I've ever been to," she sighed, "And that's saying a lot."

Atton waved her off, "I told you the smell got bad, but no… over there with the," he had a feral smile, "glow of adulterous red light, bathed in the sweet nectar of the juma and loose women all around, is the Cantina."

She fought the urge to roll her eyes at him. "What possible help could any of those things be?"

Atton glanced at her for moment and it was one of the times she really could not read his expression. He shook his head and shrugged. "Not a big secret that Cantinas are a great place for information, and if you want to get in contact with the Exchange the best way to get their attention is to rustle up some small fame," he glanced back at Bao-Dur who had both arms crossed in front of him, the glowing one in front. "The Exchange watches everything, winning the Pazaak championship, beating some idiots in a swoop race, even getting drunk and ending up in the dumpster the next morning with only your pants and a blaster…" he smiled, "Not that, that ever happened to me or anything."

She groaned and shook her head. "Alright, we should find out 'who' we need to get into contact with. Leaders are always going to have some kind of enemy and if we exploit that to our own advantage we should break through their defenses easily," she shared a slow gaze with both Bao-Dur and Atton, "Besides it will be easier to get on the bad side of the Exchange than the good side."

Atton sighed. "Usually because no one is ever trying…" he rolled his eyes, "Jedi and their damn death wishes."

Bao-Dur looked around and kept up pace with her as she glared at Atton's back. "General?"

She turned towards him and her gaze softened. "Yes?"

He scratched his ear with his unaffected arm, "I heard from the Droid owner, Kodin, that there was a surge of requests for 'specialty' droids."

She turned her full attention towards the soft-spoken Zabrak. "What kind of specialty?"

He shrugged, "Couldn't get more than that out of him, other than it had some kind of special detection system that he wasn't familiar with."

She nodded. "Like something that could hunt Jedi more effectively…"

"Exactly."

Bao-Dur had his arms behind him now, the perfect solider waiting for orders. The Exile really did not feel like going with Atton alone into a shady Cantina, but this lead was too good to pass up and Bao-Dur was the best person for the job. "Go check for leads in this area," he nodded and was about to turn in another direction, she saw her arm moving out to catch him before she realized what she was doing, "Um, be careful."

He raised one eyebrow at her but nodded and went off in a different direction. She sighed again and wiped her hands on the clothes she had bought from Dantooine. They were not the most comfortable of attire, but when one wanted to fit in at Nar Shaddaa, without really fitting in, there was a certain way to dress. She looked in front of her in slight annoyance that Atton had not even waited for her before entering the Cantina. She shrugged it off with indifference and nervously pulled on her leather vest. She had not been in a Cantina like this for at least six months, each time more depressing and numbing than the first. The atmosphere of these establishments was always the same… smoky and infested with people that were vapid or empty.

She looked to her left where Atton was arguing with a guard. She sighed; this was not the type of attention they should be getting. He barked at Atton in a scrambled mix of Huttese, with a few Trandoshan swear words. She pushed Atton aside and the guard/bouncer barked at her. "No Password, No Enter."

She rolled her eyes in annoyance and with a quick wave of her hand and a few words, "You will let us in," the bouncer's eyes glazed over for a moment before he proceeded to open the door. Atton was giving her an undecipherable look again. She frowned in annoyance as they walked into a ritzy (for Nar Shaddaa) Pazaak club. "What?"

He just stared blankly at her for a moment before turning his gaze elsewhere. "You ever wonder if that gives people brain damage?"

"They'd have to have a brain in the first place," she muttered angrily, the environment was slowly souring her mood.

Atton either did not hear her or ignored her, because he headed towards where a portly man was playing a droid. The droid (who had an unusual female vocabulator) was losing badly. Atton smiled and leaned back, knowing that the Exile was right behind him. "I bet even _you_ could beat this thing."

She glared at him and crossed her arms around her chest, accentuating the low cut top and causing Atton's gaze to linger. She stepped on his foot and waited until the portly man had left the area before sitting near the droid. He frowned at her and crossed his arms in a huff, as if saying that it was her fault he was looking in the first place. She ignored him and came up to talk to the droid, not paying much attention to its designation. She talked to it for a moment, before discovering that it was malfunctioning. "That's an odd malfunction to have…" she pondered on it for a moment before Atton broke her out of her thoughts.

"Who cares, maybe we can score some easy creds off this thing."

She frowned deeply at him and turned back to the droid. "Do you mind if I take a look at you?" The droid was hesitant at first, but after being reassured it assented. The Exile was almost certain that she heard Atton murmur something about force persuade on droids. She chose to use his own approach and ignore him. She found an odd casing in the droid that suggested it was being used to monitor the Pazaak players, which might have been connected to Bao-Dur's investigation. She pocketed it to have him examine it later. She closed up the droid's front panel and brushed her hands on her pants. "There, how do you feel?"

The droid whirred in appreciation. "Thank you, now I can rest. I was quiet tired of losing."

She nodded and rolled her shoulders back, causing another lecherous look from Atton. She glared at him and pulled her vest around her more, which only caused the overly large pants that were filled with too many items to slip further down on her hips. Atton unsuccessfully stifled a laugh. She pulled on the pants, feeling her lightsaber rub against her thigh in one of the pockets. "Where to next, Mr. Pazaak?"

Atton quirked an eyebrow at this comment, "I'm not quite sure if that's supposed to be an insult or a compliment."

She rolled her eyes and crinkled her nose. "Consider it both, I guess."

He grinned leisurely and wrapped a casual arm around her, "Well I'll take the compliment side as a good sign," he leaned into her ear and whispered hotly, "And the insult part as half the fun."

She shrugged him off and resisted the blush that was creeping up on the back of her neck. "Can we continue, please?"

Atton shrugged and walked forward, his eyes resting on a well-endowed Twi'lek who was flipping her cards around and somehow managing it that it extenuated her chest. He let his face turn up and as he was considering walking over, she had already done so. The Twi'lek looked up at the Exile in disgust. "What do you want?" she snapped.

The Exile was about to say something, when Atton stepped in with a _very_ discernable expression on his face. She frowned in his direction, but he ignored it, making solid eye contact with the Pazaak playing Twi'lek. "Let me _handle_ this one," he slid into the seat across from her, but pushed it as close as he could possibly get without crossing over to her side of the match. The Exile frowned deeper than she thought possible as she listened to the atrociously obvious flirting and the way that the Twi'lek's hand kept slipping and touching Atton's. He was obviously savoring each moment and that expression on his face told her all she needed to know.

She found herself storming off, before she even realized it. It was the kind of huffy storming that one might attribute to a rude teenager, but her agitated steps certainly caused a few patrons to quickly move out of her way. She glared and walked over to the other side of the building into the Cantina. She never much cared for Pazaak anyway. She sat down near the bar and indicated for a few drinks. She was angry with Atton; his actions were atrocious. She considered the blush that had almost crept up her neck and tossed around the idea of her being jealous. She sighed and put her hand to her head, leaning against her elbow on the bar for support.

No, she was not jealous. She yearned to feel that way. She was angrier with Atton for not following out the mission with a sense of decorum, than she was jealous that he was flirting all over that busty Twi'lek when he obviously felt... well what she thought he obviously felt, anyway. She was being the general again, and it frightened her how easily that role came back to her. She had spent five years just being a drifter, working on small jobs for no more than a month and moving onto the next location to drink herself numb. And now, being back in action for less than six weeks and she was already back into her old routine. It frightened her.

She had always hated her role. It was such a simple thing, really. Revan had asked it of her and she had done it. When she thought of her old friend's reasons it was beyond her. Exile had made her bitter and empty. She longed for emotions like jealousy, or even love. She had long considered if she had ever truly felt love. As a Jedi, such attachments were forbidden, and except for _that_ one time, she had been a very good Jedi. Her eyes glazed over as she stared into the bottom of her drink, considering drowning in it. She would not think of _that_… contemplating _that_ memory, dissecting it for what it was, or what she had made it, would never lead to anything good.

She leaned into the barstool and lost herself in another memory that was starting to feel like delusion conjured by a decrepit storyteller.

* * *

Jene stared out the window of the ship that was slowly leaving the Taris landing pad. _He_ was the thought that plagued her, but she could not turn away from the carnage, from the pain that tore through her every day, every hour, with every life that was winked out into oblivion. Her other thoughts were scattered, the nervousness of truly leaving the order, the elation at having the opportunity to express herself without the restrains of the council, the camaraderie of the group that was on the small freighter heading towards the war, and the anticipation of ending the Republic's threat forever. 

She sighed and her breath fogged up the glass. The voice of one of her companions, the dark skinned Cariaga Sin, broke her out of her daze. She spoke with a slight lilt, accentuating her simple background, something Revan had appreciated. "What do you think will happen to the Cathar child?"

Revan turned, her hair now shorter and curling near her neck. "I don't know, but at least she won't be sold into slavery."

Malak was at her side, no joviality in his eyes, but a calm sense of purpose as he stood near her, taking her in. "We need to decide who will represent us, when we meet up with the Republic."

Talvon had his legs propped up against one of the metal canisters and he scoffed, "Do we even need to think about it, Revan's got the persuasive tone."

Xaset was next to him, "That is true, but for the purpose of maintaining a democracy we should vote on who should represent us all."

Talvon grinned wryly, "Xaset, how is it fair, if we're the only ones voting… there are four other ships following us."

The darker and older man frowned, "Um, well…"

Nisotsa cut him off and tossed her now freely flowing blond hair, "Who cares, we're the best of the order anyway. I say we vote right now."

Cariaga nodded and spoke up first. "Revan."

Xaset shoved Talvon off his perch and sat down next to him, "Revan."

Revan made no reaction and Talvon glared at Xaset with a quick shove. He looked around the group and smiled warmly, "Rev, of course."

Nisotsa seemed to dance on her toes as she smiled. "Revan."

They all stared at Jene and she pulled out of her trance. "Oh, sorry," she smiled at Revan and nodded, "Revan."

Everyone stared at Malak in anticipation, he quirked one eyebrow. "Master Vrook."

The group started to laugh and Revan elbowed him in the stomach with a slight smile. "Idiot," she murmured under her breath.

Malak smiled and made a show of rubbing his stomach. "Revan, of course," he looked down at her, "Now are you going to vote for yourself and make it unanimous or are you going to be obnoxious and vote for someone else?"

Revan smiled easily. "Fine, I vote for myself," she turned her gaze up to Malak with mock scorn, "I'm not obnoxious."

He nodded and rested his arm on her head casually. "You're right, most of the time you're incorrigible."

It was comical to anyone who had never met the two, to see the adult Jedi Knight sticking her tongue out at the taller, intimidating, Jedi Knight. Revan spun around away from Malak and looked at everyone, she had her serious face on and she eyed them all carefully. "You are all my closest friends and the best the Academy had to offer. I need all of you at my side, standing with me as leaders."

Jene frowned at that remark, she was going to fight, to do something, not to lead and be in charge. That was always Revan's job; she was better at it. Nisotsa stirred next to her. "As long as I command a battalion of cute Republic officers I'm fine!"

Talvon rolled his eyes. "Women…" he found himself ducking as a hydrospanner zoomed by his head. He glared at the girl who was giggling, "Real nice and mature. Good to see you're still following the Jedi code faithfully, Nisotsa." She tensed and sat down dejectedly. Xaset sensed her discomfort and elbowed Talvon who rolled his eyes, but put on a sly smile. "I tell ya the first thing _I'm_ gonna do is gamble on the latest swoop races."

Cariaga arched a suspicious eyebrow, "What about all the women you were talking about," she laughed, "showing your lightsaber to."

Talvon reddened and everyone laughed. "Well… that's the second thing."

Soon they were talking about every rule they had ever wanted to break and what they would do when they had the chance. Jene was quiet, she still followed the path of the Jedi, and she did not want to break the rules. Of course she had broken the rules in a major way and not just by defying the council in this expenditure. She sighed and watched each of her friends and felt through the bonds she shared with them what they felt.

Nisotsa was hiding her nervousness and sheltering fleeting feelings for Talvon, Cariaga was trying to hold down her insatiable rage and blood lust against the Mandelorians that had attacked her home world, Talvon was carefully concealing his doubts and dread about the war and defying the council, and Xaset was lusting after the man sitting next to him. Jene had to pause in her search for a moment as she stared at her friend's face. He looked as calm as ever, but she noticed the slight glances he was shooting Talvon and wondered how long she had missed it. She focused her attention on Malak, not ready to consider the potential heartache and complication the two best friends would face. Malak was all passion under his steady exterior; she was almost overwhelmed with it… and another feeling that she knew so well… he was in love.

She turned her attention to Revan… and received nothing. Revan matched her gaze and gave her a knowledgeable look. Jene realized there was a new emptiness inside her… Revan had cut the bond off. She could no longer reach out and feel her friend, something she had done many times for comfort. She felt sick and dizzy.

Revan nodded in understanding and cut the conversations short, her commanding voice effectively ending the conversations and brining silence. "Alright, ranks shall be chosen then," she looked around, "I need three strong generals under me," she looked at Xaset, "Xas," she turned her gaze to Cariaga, "Cari," she looked directly at the future Exile and closed in her vision, locked so deeply with her that Jene almost felt the bond again for a moment, "Gi," she said a decibel softer, almost unnoticeable.

Talvon, Nisotsa and even Malak were looking at her with interest. Revan nodded to Nisotsa, "I need my best tech girl to be in charge of all technical operations," Nisotsa looked almost disappointed, but Revan came over to her and grasped her arms and leaned her forehead to hers. "Nita, this is a really important job. The military depends on every last ship running smoothly and you are the woman for the job."

Nisotsa nodded fiercely as Revan stepped away from her. "I'll do the best, Revan," she said instead of 'my best.'

Revan turned to Talvon. "Tal, if you can manage not sleeping with all the female medics, I'd like you to be in charge of all the medical units and other supplies that should be shipping."

Talvon grinned. "I'll be the best there is for the second job," he winked, "But I can't promise on the first."

Jene felt a twinge from Xaset at that comment and she looked at him for a moment. Their gazes locked and his eyes were so sad and deep, she nodded in understanding. She understood far too well. Malak bristled as Revan seated herself back on her chair. They all looked at her expectantly and Malak coughed. Nisotsa giggled and Talvon chuckled, but Xaset spoke up. "You forgot Malak, Revan."

Revan made the show of looking shocked and embarrassed, she turned towards Malak, "Well of course someone has to carry my stuff," she winked at Malak and dodged his arm swinging at her, by skipping to the other side of the room. She rolled her shoulders back and looked at everyone then at Malak, almost shyly. "You're my right hand man, you'll always be that, Mal. You know it." Jene felt the ripple of pride Malak expressed and he let a small smile escape his lips, it was a private thing, only for Revan. She smiled the same smile back and dragged her knees up to her chest; she cocked her head to one side and looked at Talvon. "Was gambling breaking the rules?"

Talvon raised an eyebrow. "It derives from the suffering of others, so yes."

Revan shrugged and grinned. "Woops."

Everyone laughed like they were not heading off to war and were not leaving their entire lives behind.

* * *

She let out a deep sigh and was interrupted from her brooding by Atton. He slid in the barstool next to her. "Shame you left, I had quite the run," he made a showy display of waving around a gold Pazaak card. 

The Exile just rolled her eyes and grunted into her drink, "How very good for you."

Atton ignored her sour mood and kept on talking, "First off, that Twi'lek was fun and easy," he paused for a moment and the only reaction she gave was a slight twitch in her eye, "to beat I mean. Well either way I figure," he shrugged and grinned. "So then, I talk this Duros into losing a few matches, cos some thugs outside had asked me earlier to get him to go outside… it was pretty damn obvious they were going to rough him up," he looked at her again, she just casually took another sip of her drink, ignoring him completely. Atton raised one eyebrow, but continued all the same, "And then, you'll never believe this," he elbowed her, "I convinced this 'champ' guy to lose, because winning all those matches must get pretty boring," he shook his head and wiped a tear from his eye, "I still can't believe the little boma fell for it."

"Mhmm…" she replied noncommittally.

Atton shook his head. "Have you been sitting here drinking and sulking this whole time?"

She was about to nod, but turned to him in annoyance. He had the most obnoxious grin on his face. "I'm not sulking, you twit."

He grinned broader. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you were jealous."

She snorted in disdain. "Yeah, I was pining away and drinking myself stupid, because you flirted with someone like you do everywhere we go."

Atton nodded somberly. "It's good to hear you admit it."

She opened her eyes wide and almost let out an indignant cry, but something about the way Atton was looking at her and the idiotic grin plastered on his face, triggered something inside of her. She remembered the person who always could tease and get this reaction out of her and that comparison in her head was so ridiculous she could not help but laugh. She shook her head and held her stomach as she leaned over the barstool letting out the unfamiliar sound. The low laugh became a giggle that she had not used for many years.

Atton was staring at her in shock. She was still giggling and it was apparently contagious, because he started to laugh along with her. They were an unusual sight and probably upset quite a few of the nonhuman patrons in the bar. An exiled Jedi dressed in a revealing smuggler outfit laughing with a scoundrel still waving a golden Pazaak card.

As they finally quieted down Atton was looking at her in a new light, "Wow, I think that's the first time you've done that. Not for lack of me trying though."

"What?" she asked, rubbing the sore muscles that went unused in her jaw.

"Laugh... or smile even."

"I guess I just forgot how," she said, seriously.

There was a silence for a moment before Atton rose from his chair and offered her his hand. She eyed it warily for a moment, the gesture, especially from Atton, completely foreign to her. If he were the Disciple, perhaps he would have retracted his hand, but Atton was anything but the mild-tempered Jedi waiting on the ship. He grabbed her hand and lifted her up. "Look, have you gotten any information outta the thugs that hang out here? Because getting information outta a Trandoshan is no small task."

She quirked a smile at that, finding that after breaking through that wall it was much easier, "I heard something about Vogga the Hutt, the main staple for the exchange here, but he's not seeing anyone…" she frowned as Atton was peering over her shoulder. "Atton are you listening?"

He blinked for a moment, "What?" she glared at him and he grinned, finally slipping the Pazaak card back in his pocket, "Sorry… but that Twi'lek over there is staring at you."

She turned around to find a Twi'lek eyeing her like she was a piece of meat. "Would you like a holovid, it lasts longer?" she quipped in his direction.

The Twi'lek blinked in confusion and shook his hand in front of his face. "No, no you misunderstand me. I work for Vogga the Hutt and he's been looking for dancers to appease him," the Twi'lek sighed deeply and shook his head, "I've been in hot water since I showed him my niece and he was tired of her. I need something different, I'm desperate!"

The Exile studied him carefully, vaguely aware of Atton behind her, he was fidgeting and it was getting on her nerves. She grasped Atton's hand and held it down in annoyance, without even turning to face him and spoke to the Twi'lek. "What are you asking?"

He smiled sheepishly. "You wouldn't happen to know of any dancers?" she shook her head and he looked at her earnestly, "Or perhaps _you_ could dance for Vogga?"

She considered it for a moment. It would be an effective way to meet up with Vogga. As she thought about it, she felt fingers lightly stroking her and she remembered she was still holding Atton's hand. The small comfort was so nice that she was too distracted to ask more questions. "Alright, I'll do it."

She would never forgive him for distracting her. She was aware of Atton trying to keep up the pace with her as she stormed down the Refugee docks trying to reach the Ebon Hawk and her clothes. That was one of the most humiliating things she had ever done and the outfit was ridiculous. "Who wears gold-toned boots?" she scoffed pressing on. She caught the Hawk in her line of vision after fifteen minutes of tearing through the streets, ignoring the odd look from the passersby. She clenched her teeth and crouched so she could remove the boots that were giving her blisters.

Atton had finally caught up to her; he was leaning on his thighs, desperately trying to catch his breath. "Wha-" he panted, "are you," he breathed deeply and stood up grasping his chest, "so mad about?"

She opened her mouth to tell him how awful he was for holding her hand like that; like he was… she stopped and closed her mouth instead choosing to turn around in a huff and storm up the loading ramp of the ship. Maybe if she had been thinking clearly she would not have made so much of a fuss getting on the ship, but Atton was making her very irritated ever since they arrived. She walked straight into a blaster casually pointed at her face. She froze mentally making a note to herself that she would keep better watch even when she was distracted. The blaster lowered and if Zabraks could blush, Bao-Dur would be.

"I'm sorry, General. I didn't know you would be coming back so soon," he made no comment on her outfit, but was keeping his eyes a little higher than normal.

She wrapped her arms around her and quickly tried to dart into one of the rooms to get some clothes, running straight into Disciple. If Bao-Dur's reaction was unusual it was nothing compared to the way Disciple reacted. The look on the Disciple's face as she stalked onto the Ebon Hawk still dressed in the dancers outfit was one for the ages. She did not know that someone's face could get that red or that someone's mouth could hang open that long. He was desperately trying not to look down, but to no avail. She covered her face and tried to shove past him. As she stalked off she could hear Atton growling at Disciple from behind her.

She closed the door and almost had a heart attack when the newest member of the crew, the Miraluka, was meditating in the middle of the dormitory. She sighed. "Visas, would you mind giving me a little privacy?"

"My life, for yours," the Miraluka simply replied and left the cabin, closing the door behind her.

The Exile blew up on a piece of hair that had blown free and started to change. "I'd settle for your clothes," she muttered.

Now that she was comfortably dressed in the robes she had picked up on Dantooine she could meditate and relax. She settled herself down in the Communications Room and tried to clear her mind. The sudden flurry of emotions that had been wreaking havoc on her mind ever since they had arrived on Nar Shaddaa was unsettling. She would need to calm herself before they set out again, letting her guard down like that would only allow her thoughts to wander too far. She vaguely thought of playing Pazaak in her head, but decided against it. As much as she appreciated and enjoyed that skill, Kreia had a tendency to reach out through their bond while she was on board the ship and she did not want to explain why she was taking tips from Atton on Jedi procedure.

She sighed and brought herself into a meditative pose, realizing that she would have to remove thoughts of the pilot from her mind if she was ever going to think straight. She tried to reach out into the Nar Shaddaa that she had felt earlier today without getting overwhelmed. She touched the edges of its consciousness and the heart of it, trying to feel the pain that was eluding her. Pain she could understand. Pain she could relate to. Pain was all consuming and too familiar.

The calm meditation sent her into a lulling trance as she steadied her breathing and kept out every outside influence. Except, _him_ and the memories, they could always get through.

* * *

The cool breeze sent her long pale hair flapping through the wind as the cold grass tickled her bare feet. She breathed in slowly and tried not to notice how close the young Master next to her was. If she just focused on the scent of the gentle wind as it brought the aroma of new blossoms to her nose, she might be able to block him out. She tried, but all she could focus on was how Kavar smelled like a fresh brush of wood. She was sure that her neck was bright red from how hot it felt. She wiped her palms on her bent knees and took another deep breath, seeing if she could mix the two smells together and guiltily imagining how he would smell from closer up. She allowed herself this one moment of weakness before she tried to picture the wind sweeping through the grassy hills of Dantooine. 

"It's much better than meditating in your room, right?" his tranquil voice broke her out of her momentary concentration.

She opened her eyes and settled them on him. He was not in the normal pose, one leg was out fully, while the other was tucked under him and he was leaning back on his arms. She pulled herself up to her knees. "How did you find this spot?"

He smiled on half his face and it always found a way to soften his strong features. "Well you can only reach it by foot and not that many people like walking this far."

She nodded; even some of the Masters would use a speeder to travel this far out. She set her eyes on the horizon where a few clouds were lifting. "I thought the walk was as nice as the view."

Kavar stared at her for a moment softly and gave another lopsided smile, "You know, Jene… you are about the only person that would say something like that," she had nothing to say to that and felt her skin tingling on her neck again. He turned his attention to the view that sprawled out over the wide green plains of Dantooine and sighed deeply taking it in. "And that's why I brought you."

She smiled at that, feeling some pride in being the only one that he had taken to this special spot. "Do you come here a lot?"

He shook his head. "It's hard to get away from the rigors of the council. I either have to be in transit to Coruscant for a meeting, or at the communications building talking business, or I'm training students," he let out a deep frustrated sigh, "I barely have time for the simple pleasures of life anymore."

She started to weave some blades of grass into a braid in her lap, while she waited on the perfect thing to say. She and Kavar had many pauses in their conversation, but none of them were awkward, they were always the two of them savoring their company and the words they had spoken. Or that is how it felt to her. She had never been this close to someone without forming a bond and in a way it made their friendship seem more solid and real. She never had that nagging feeling that she was manipulating him or had the luxury of sensing his emotions. She cocked her head to the side and there was a twinkle in her eye. "Is the Master with a seat on the council complaining?"

Kavar narrowed his vision at her and shook his head with a laugh. "Very, funny…" he sighed and tapped his fingers on his thigh. "I suppose I should be grateful for the time I do get. Most of the Council is stuck on Coruscant most of the time."

She looked at him carefully and put her hand on his. "I didn't mean it that way."

He stared at her and she glanced a flash of sadness in his eyes. He turned his hand around to grasp hers fully. "I know you didn't it's just sometimes…" he looked down at their hands and shook his head. "Sometimes I remember what I _could_ be doing and it makes me think…" he laughed and looked up at the clear sky, "And then I get over it and get back to work."

There was a long stretch of silence where all that could be heard was their soft breathing and the cool zephyr that was still gracing her hair. Their hands fit so perfectly together that she felt no urge to move or adjust hers. It just fit. She let out a light sigh. She closed her eyes and focused on the comfort of her hand and his and finally began to meditate with ease. The calm swept through her, suddenly removing the breath from her chest and she felt in tuned with everything around her. She no longer felt embarrassed or nervous, just right. She reached out to the calm that was curling around her and realized that it was coming from more than just the man next to her; Dantooine itself was wrapping her in its comforting embrace.

Suddenly the image of him holding her was in her mind and she felt even calmer. Dantooine, the heart of the planet, was slowing every moment down and letting her savor each second with a quiet respite.

His voice once again broke through her concentration, although this time it took considerably less effort. "I'm sorry if I'm boring you."

She blinked out of her trance and stared at him for a moment and then she realized that barely a minute had passed by. She smiled fully at him in a quiet way that was just for him, "You would never bore me, Kavar."

He let himself stare at her for a moment before hesitantly breaking contact of their hands. He lifted himself up and brushed off the grass from his legs. "I suppose we should be getting back."

She looked up at him and back at the view. She shook her head and grasped his hand again. "Just a few more minutes."

He smiled at her and sat next to her. She could not help notice that it was just a little closer.

* * *

"So where did you learn to dance like that?" Atton's presence did not really surprise her anymore. He had that way of trying to sneak up her, without appearing to be doing anything suspicious; she suspected he used it in many situations. 

She leaned back, turned to face him and cocked her head to the side. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you..."

He seemed intrigued by her statement, which was her plan all along. She had no idea why she acted so differently around Atton, but ever since they had arrived on Nar Shaddaa, he seemed more alive... and that had made her feel less like a walking corpse, even if the only emotion he aroused in her was annoyance. He was still leaning against the doorway and shook his head. "Okay, now you have to tell me."

She crinkled her nose, deciding whether or not to lead him on. She was not lying; he was not going to believe her. He waved his hand in her direction and walked closer to her. She could catch his musky scent the closer he got to her, not familiar and familiar all at the same time. She looked up at him from her meditative position and he had his arms crossed, he was smiling again, she really hated that look. "Well?"

She shrugged and turned back around, trying not to let him see her smile. "Revan."

She heard scoffing and the scrape of metal, so he must have taken a step back. "You're kidding me?"

She turned to face him and stood up so that she was only a foot away from him. "I told you, you wouldn't believe me."

He flattened out his pants and narrowed his vision at her. "Revan taught you how to dance better than any Cantina girl I've ever seen?"

She felt the heat rising up on her neck. The same way it had, when he had been driven speechless after she had donned the revealing outfit. "I'm serious..." she breathed, not meaning for it to come out so softly. She stepped back a bit and turned around to face one of the security panels, pretending to be involved with something. Maybe it was all the emotions that Atton had been aggravating her, or it had been so long since anyone had their attention focused on her for this purpose. In her exile she knew how to be invisible, even to the most lecherous patron of a Cantina. But with Atton it was different, he projected his lust so fully and even though she knew it was a tactic to keep her out of his mind it seemed to feed on that empty place inside her. Sometimes she considered just letting it all out and letting him do all the things he was thinking, but she knew she could not.

That cheap act would just bastardize the true emotions that she used to feel. Besides if she really wanted to drown the hollowness in that kind of activity she would have done it long ago. Her medicine was a strong bottle and no sleep; she did not need another one.

Atton whistled low, breaking her thoughts. "It's just a little unbelievable... that Darth Revan taught you."

She shook her head and turned toward him, in control of her emotions... for the moment. "She wasn't always Darth Revan, you know."

She could not quite place his expression, which was unusual for her. He seemed almost out of place, solemn. "I guess it's hard to think of people as younger..." he shrugged, "Everyone had a past," he looked down at his feet and said under his breath, "Everyone's past had a past..."

She felt the tension bubbling through the air and it was making her uncomfortable. She wanted to just scoot past him and get ready for another day of searching, but something about his expression made her want to cheer him up. "Do you want to hear the story?"

His eyes were almost glassy as he looked up at her, but in a moment it was gone and his typical scoundrel expression was back in place. "That depends, was she wearing the same outfit?"

She rolled her eyes and leaned back on one of the panels careful not to push any buttons. "No, just a robe. She was sixteen; I was fifteen… it was on Dantooine actually. She was visiting-"

Atton smiled. "Are you sure you couldn't _pretend_ she was wearing the outfit?"

She shook her head and sighed deeply, regretting trying to find some depth in him. Sometimes she agreed with Kreia; he was a fool, but sometimes... she shook the thought from her head. "If you want me to tell you the story you'd better keep your lechy commentary to yourself, Atton."

He looked affronted. "Lechy?" she lifted one eyebrow in his direction, he conceded and threw his hands in the air. "Fine, fine, no 'lechy' comments from me."

She sighed and instantly regretted offering to tell him in the first place. "Well I was in the Enclave…"

* * *

The teenage Padawan inwardly groaned as she checked another room in the sublevel of the Enclave and did not find her boisterous friend Revan. Not even Malak, who always seemed to know her whereabouts, could tell Jene where to go. She tried another door and swore under her breath as it came up empty again. She kept lightly stepping through the halls until she caught sight of Master Kavar sparring with Xaset in one of the practice rooms. He was not wearing a shirt. Jene did not even realize that she had come to a stop. She felt the heat rise up from her neck and noticed Nisotsa and another girl trying to get a better view. 

She winced and tapped her friend on the shoulder. She would be no use to anyone if she got distracted, no matter how appealing the distraction was. "Have you seen Revan, Nisotsa?"

The blonde girl looked vaguely annoyed that she had been interrupted, but took the time to think for a moment. "I think I saw her walking down the hall to one of the archives."

Jene shook her head. "No I already checked all the archives…"

Nisotsa looked up in thought for a moment. "Did you check the storage rooms, she might have taken a bunch of datapads and hid herself away to read them for a few hours without interruption."

Jene nodded, affirming the idea in her mind as solid. "Thanks, Nisotsa."

Her friend waved off her thanks and went back to her view. Jene realized that Talvon must have been in the room, because she could hear vague taunts in Xaset's direction. She shook her head and kept a steady pace towards one of the storage rooms. She needed Revan to help her with some research for Master Vin; her Master was getting increasingly strict on her since her argument withTalvon had escalated from a friendly debate. Vin had gotten an earful from Vrook about it, even thoughTalvon did not seem to care either way. She almost thought that she had gotten off when Vin had defended her, but she was constantly being sent on assignments for tedious research that only Revan would know.

As the Force would have it, Revan was visiting Dantooine after some work she had done on Alderaan with her ever-elusive new Master. The student was soon becoming just as difficult to find as her teacher, as Jene found _another_ empty room. She sighed and leaned against the door in frustration. She only had till the end of the day to finish this and Revan would be leaving at the end of the week, so she was sure to be surrounded by everyone else who needed her help or wanted her company. Jene was pulled from her self-pity as she noticed the lightest sound touching her ears. It was so soft that she had to stretch her hearing with the Force just to notice that it was music. She followed it to inside one of the old storage rooms, but the door was stuck. She took a spare security tunneler out of her robes and jammed it in the door. Nothing happened. She added pressure to it with the Force and the door slid open.

The sight Jene saw was shocking and caused her eyes to widen to their fullest extent. Revan was spinning and twirling and using alluring movements to express herself. Her arms and legs were working as one unit to create a slow delicate dance that made her seem like she was floating. "Revan?" Jene squeaked, unable to control herself.

Her friend jumped up in the air and made a show of grabbing her chest in fright. After a moment when she got her breath back she pulled her friend in and took a quick look outside the door before shutting it. "How did you find me?" she snapped.

Jene was still in shock and realized the music was louder in here; it must have been old soundproofing. "I've been looking all over for you I-" she eyed the older girl carefully. "Were you just dancing?"

Revan looked for one of the first times, embarrassed. She sighed and leaned against the table in the back of the small room, flicking the music off. "I suppose I should tell you so you won't go off and blab to everyone."

Jene looked at her seriously. "Revan, I would never blab."

Revan appraised her and nodded. "I know," she said with a relieved smile, "I'm just glad Nita didn't catch me."

Jene giggled at that and leaned on the table next to Revan. "So why were you dancing?"

Revan stretched her hands out in front of her moving them around and spreading her fingers out. "Partially because it helps me practice agility in a way that gives me the advantage in fights, especially when I'm using the Echani style," she brought her hands in by her legs and curled them up into loose fists, "And partially because…" she let the sentence trail off.

Jene filled the pause. "Partially what, Revan?"

Revan looked up at her earnestly and there was a raw need in her dark eyes. "It's my only connection to home."

Jene felt awful, Revan was obviously very vulnerable about this, something Jene had rarely seen, but she did not know where Revan called home. "Coruscant?" Jene ventured a guess.

Revan shook her head and stared at her feet, which she kicked into the air as she leaned back on her hands at the edge of the table. "Deralia…" she said softly. There was a silence before Revan continued; she was never one to need someone to fill in the gaps for her. "Sometimes I miss it so much," Jene could hear her voice crack slightly, "Da, my cousins, my brothers, heck even my sister," she made the swift movement of wiping one of her eyes and completely ignoring the tear that had almost tried to escape. She turned towards Jene and her eyes were so earnest. "They did a lot of dancing there," she started to list them off on her fingers, "For weddings, new babies, the harvest season, funerals, even when I left…" She looked at Jene sadly again. "I only learned some of them, I mean they're not going to teach a six year old the fertility dance," she scoffed and rolled her eyes, but then picked up a few datapads that were lying next to her. "That's why I study up on the ones I don't know, so I can still feel… home."

There was an uncomfortable silence. Jene had no idea what it was like to be taken away from a family that large, or one that sounded like it wanted you. She had been a bastard child of privilege and her mother was all too willing to give up her little 'indiscretion' to the Jedi. Jene could not even remember her mother's face and she would have to look up where she had been born, as it had been long forgotten. She cleared her throat and felt sorry for herself and Revan all at the same time. She looked at the older girl and smiled. "Could you teach me?"

Revan was quiet for a moment before that grin of hers broke out on her face. "Sure, there's a couple I can't do without a partner!" she pushed herself off the table and set the music on again. She looked at Jene seriously. "Just don't tell anyone okay?"

Jene nodded and stood straight. She had been given a very valuable secret, something that Revan had hid for over ten years. Jene would keep it safe for Revan, because she felt pride, even if it was only by circumstance, that she was the only one that knew. "I won't, but if this improves my agility, I might come back for more lessons."

Revan grinned wider and began to take her through the basic steps.

* * *

"And so I trained with Revan whenever she came back, it actually did improve my agility in battle." 

Atton was soaking in every word trying to connect them in his mind. "I just can't picture it."

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "You saw me dance, it shouldn't be too hard."

He shook his head and gave her one of the strangest looks he had ever given her. "No, I can't picture you and Revan so… normal," he shrugged, "For Jedi I mean."

She frowned at him and something about the way he tensed his shoulders and waved her off told her that he was hiding something. She watched him walk off and shook her head, she would ask him about it later. She considered going back to meditating, but she would most likely wander off into another memory and with the way Atton had been bringing out her emotions today she might go into that memory, which was the very last thing she wanted to do. She looked up to see a timid Disciple in the doorway. "Come in," she said with a wave.

He was still flushed. "I wanted to apologize for earlier… I just didn't expect to see you, well... dressed like that," she nodded and he met her eyes. "Though I would have to say I've always had good experiences when you were wearing that," he gestured to her robes.

She gave a lopsided smile. "I thought you would be uncomfortable confronting the past."

He looked confused. "We all have pasts… and we all have to accept them and learn from them," she was caught on his words, "If you keep running from your past it will catch up to you. I have always thought it was better to meet it on your own terms, so that you would have the advantage."

She just stared at him for a moment, wondering if he could possibly know what she was thinking. "Disciple what are you-"

He held up his hand. "Just observing, nothing more. If you find your own meaning in my words then you were no doubt looking for them in the first place."

And with that he left her. She stared dumbly at the doorway for a while before digesting his words. She thought back to those quiet moments on Dantooine just before she had been Knighted and then the other memories that left her dead inside. She stared at the security panel and nodded and made the small walk to the cockpit. She looked up on the Hyperspace Map and put in the next coordinates for when they were done with Nar Shaddaa.

The planet of 'Onderon' glowed on the screen as she walked down the hall.


	3. 3

Thanks to all who reviewed! (Pinguicha, BluDiamond, Libra1, OmegaMD, and iceycold) I'm glad you guys like it. This the last chapter, but there isshort epilogue that I should have up in a day or so. I'm currently working on a bridge story between K1 and K2 that will intertwine with Hindsight, but be about Revan (named Foresight, oooh I'm creative) and both of these will come together for the giant sequel that I hope to work on soon. Anyway, enough author rambling, hope you enjoy this chapter, it's gigantic!

Oh and for those of you that read the previous chapter 3, this was supposed to be edited (a specific not PG-13 scene). And I mistakeningly uploaded the wrong one. MEEP. So after much swearing it was fixed, although takes forever so this probably won't go up for a while. Sosorry.

**Hindsight**

Chapter 3

Revan's gaunt face was reflected off the window as she stared out at the ships that were beginning to gather. Her eyes were the most noticeable things, where once there was vibrancy and life, now all that existed was a glassy-eyed expression. Revan looked the way Jene felt… dead inside. The once Jedi Knight, now war hero made careful steps towards her former friend, her hand gripped on her lightsaber. The echo of her feet against the metal made an ominous noise that was reflected on the walls. Revan was holding a lightsaber that was not her own, the markings on the side made it clear to anyone that knew him that it was Talvon's.

His death had affected everyone, including Jene, but it had broken something in Revan. The woman she aspired to be, the woman who was a shining example of goodness and knowledge, was now death incarnate. Jene did not sense any hatred from Revan; she only felt the numbing sadness and grief that tore her apart. She was still the leader and the warrior for the Republic, but as few now knew and many would soon know… Revan was to be the death of the Republic she had saved. Jene looked towards Revan, who still had not turned to face her. Malak, who was right by her side, was glaring at her. Jene was almost drowning in how much hate and passion he was projecting through his eyes, his face had paled even more than she thought possible and she was almost expecting him to spit on her.

Xaset stood off to the side, ever watchful and vigilant. His stance was that of a warrior, preparing for battle, but all she saw in his sallow sad eyes was pain. His pain was driving him and it was leading him on a downward spire. Cariaga was perched on the other side of Revan, her eyes were burning with intensity and she was posed, ready to attack, if Revan should even move her finger in Jene's direction. Jene could only guess these emotions from their stances and eyes; she could feel no bond, nothing around her. She was empty. She steadied herself and took a deep breath as she stepped only a few feet towards the death of her emotions. "Revan?" her voice was steady, but without any inflection.

Revan made no movement and continued to stare outside for the moment. She looked down to the lightsaber she was cradling in her hands and her eyes became hollower. "I suppose I should be thankful that you at least had the manners to tell me in person that you would be abandoning me."

Jene felt the stab to her heart, but it was only another wound in an already bleeding injury. "Nisotsa did not come back." It was not a question; Jene knew all too well what her friend had done. She had fled, not to the order, but away from it all. They all dealt with their grief differently, it was a wonder that more of them did not block it out and flee from all they knew.

Revan finally turned to her, placing the lightsaber carefully on the table next to her. Her deep red robes covered most of her form and swooped out dramatically, they were as vibrant as she used to be. "Why?" she asked, knowing the answer.

Jene looked away from that dead gaze and could feel the tears begging to be released. "I followed you because it was right… this is not. I can't follow you down this dark path."

Revan cocked her head to the side, her eyes still empty. "You already have…" Jene had no answer and there was an uncomfortable silence that hung in the air as Malak, Xaset, and Cariaga waited for the tension to break so they could attack. Revan waited until Jene met her stare, "How are you so sure of what I'm doing?"

Jene lifted one of her hands to put a strand of hair behind her ear. "I can see the dark path you have taken."

Revan assessed her and shook her head. "I had thought you might understand," she sighed.

Jene stared at her incredulously, "What am I supposed to understand, Revan? You are becoming what we have fought our entire lives against!"

She narrowed her gaze at her. "Fought? You have no idea what it is to fight, _Jedi_," she spat the word like it was acid on her tongue. "The Council ignored the threat that was out there and passed over it like it was my impatience that was driving me. Never did they once think to look into the threat for what it was."

"I agreed with you about the Mandalorians, because I wanted to stop the killing," she held her chest and the tears that had threatened to fall earlier were now streaming down her face in pairs, "The pain I felt every day… you just increased the death count!"

"They had to be stopped!" Revan snapped, her eyes wild and untamed. Her voice was cracking and she was holding back a few sobs, she clenched her fists a few times, fighting an inner battle with herself. Whichever side won, it caused Revan to go back to her numb state. "The Council is a group of fools."

Jene wiped away the tears and refused to let any more fall. "Maybe they weren't. See what has become of you," she turned towards her other friends, "Of them," she looked at her feet quietly, "Of Talvon…" she bathed in the silence of the room for a few moments before quietly continuing, "Was it worth it to stop the Mandalorians, Revan?"

Revan stared at her for a moment, an incomprehensible look crossing her face. "The Mandalorians," she said quietly, digesting the words. She let her eyelids close halfway, but kept her gaze locked with Jene's. "You truly don't understand…" Revan let out a deep sigh and then turned back to the window to look out it. "Go. There is a ship waiting for you outside."

Jene was shocked; she did not understand what was happening. She stared at Revan for a moment, but the woman would not turn to meet her gaze. Malak was outraged and turned to Revan in anger. "She is defying you. We should destroy her! Revan, she will just go back to the council and warn them!" Revan did not speak; she just kept staring out the window, impassively. Malak went on in his rage, "If she will not convert then we must kill her. She will just come back to haunt us later, let me take care of it for you!" Malak activated his lightsaber and it came out with a hiss of blue, the crystal had not yet changed.

Revan pulled out her hand and grasped his arm firmly. "Let her go." Revan turned toward Jene and gave her one last look. "You will not find what you're looking for. And they will not understand."

She then turned back towards the window, carefully fingering Talvon's lightsaber in her hands.

Jene turned around and walked out of the room, she could hear Malak's protests and feel the eyes of Xaset and Cariaga on her back. She left her former friends, the ones she had trained with, grown with, loved with, and cared for so deeply that she had defied the order with them. She turned away from it all.

And that was the last time she saw any of them.

-

It is fairly pointless to look out of a window while in Hyperspace. The Exile realized this as she sat in the co-pilot's chair staring into the black chasm. She was not really looking at anything in particular, but she felt the need to be lost in thought, or lost in the lack of thought. Atton was beside her in the piloting position; she could sense his anxiousness. She really did not care as long as he did not try to speak to her. She needed the emptiness of space, the quiet of the ship, and the hard seat behind her. Sometimes not thinking of things made it worse than purposely thinking of them. The memories seemed to slip in, just when she was numbing herself into a state of oblivion.

There were other things she could be doing. She could play Pazaak with Atton, but he had not offered since she had shown him the Force on Nar Shaddaa. She could meditate with Kreia, but the older woman was already getting suspicious of her since she had decided to go to Onderon early. She could try and converse with Mira, the newest crewmember, but Mira had not made any utterance that she wanted to speak with anyone on the ship. She could even try to teach Disciple the battle meditation technique that Kreia had been showing her, but her heart was not in it at the moment.

She was beginning to truly feel like she had earned the title of 'Master' from Kreia. It struck her odd that Kreia would train her to be a Jedi Master, when Kreia was still the Master herself. Of course, the Exile had been a Jedi Knight for many years, even if she was an exiled one, but she was still Kreia's student. Being a student, following instead of being followed, that felt good sometimes. She wondered what would have happened if she had stayed with Revan, would the emptiness she now carried still be as apparent? Or would she have regained her connection with the Force earlier and fallen down that dark path?

Revan was wrong about her falling, she might not have taken the light path, but she did not take the dark one. She did not have a chance to think about it for very long, as she was soon brought out of her musings by Atton's voice. She frowned. She should have known he was going to start talking.

"So, um… how's it feel to have a bounty hunter that still wants to collect and the droid of the guy offering the bounty on board?" He was trying to catch her gaze and she could tell he was nervous by the way that he kept wiping his hands on his pants.

She turned towards him slowly. "Atton," she looked at him straight in the eyes, "You don't have to stay here, I know you can't stay in one room for more than a few moments and you hate it when anyone is in the cockpit with you."

Atton looked confused, grateful, and insulted all at once. He glanced towards the door and settled for grateful as he lifted himself up from his seat. "Well, I… I should check if that tin can has been sabotaging the ship," she nodded at him and rolled her eyes. Atton stopped at the door and turned towards her. "Y'know if you ever wanted to talk or something, I wouldn't be completely against it," he looked down, "I'm no golden-boy or anything, but I can be a good listener if you need one."

He did not allow her to answer and walked out the door. She stared out at it for a few moments, digesting his words. Everyone on this ship was so complicated. Disciple wanted nothing more than to listen to her. Visas hung to words with some sick adoration that pushed her comfort boundaries. Atton seemed to want more desires of the flesh, and then the next moment he wanted nothing more than to ignore her. T3-M4 was a small droid, but one with it's own agenda. And she half expected Mira to be waiting for the best chance to turn her in for a bounty. Then there was Kreia… and every time she attempted to think about her it escaped her grasp.

"The death of your formers still plaguing you or is someone more recent hindering your thoughts?"

_Speak of the devil_, thought the Exile, _well, think of the devil at least. _She pulled herself around in the chair to face Kreia, looking rather childish, clinging to the top of the seat. "To what are you referring, Kreia?"

"Whom," the mysterious Jedi commented, her lips frowning at the Exile's posture.

She lifted herself off the co-pilot's seat and leaned against it. "What?" she asked, her interested peaked by the older Jedi's confusing demeanor.

Kreia's only reaction was a slight quirk of her lips. "You said: to what am I referring. And I am referring to a who, as both you and I well know."

The Exile stiffened, there was no way that Kreia could have the slightest hint what she was thinking, the strange old woman was just pulling at loose strings, trying to gauge her reactions. She countered her quickly by arching an eyebrow and crossing her arms in front of her. "No, I really don't know what you're talking about. Humor me."

Kreia made no move, but her words could be heard clearly inside the Exile's mind. _Does the fool's impudence rub off on you that quickly?_

She shrugged and kept eye contact. "No…" she sighed, "Look, I'm sorry. I guess I do have a lot on my mind right now," she loosened her arms and dropped them to her sides changing her stance. She was just on edge and should not have taken it out on her tutor.

"Onderon's approach is troubling you," Kreia hardly formed things in questions. She stated what she knew, because if she had a question it would be projected. Questions, the Exile supposed, were a sign of weakness, but if Kreia used that weakness while showing strength through the bond, then perhaps she cancelled the other out.

Of course the Exile had nothing but questions. She looked up at her temporary mentor and frowned. "Old demons, I suppose." There was a silence that hung between them for a moment; the flow of Force that the Exile was beginning to take for granted again was at a constant strain. She brushed off her pants. "It's late, I think I'll either try to sleep or get some caffa." _Caffa, sleep brings dreams._

She walked by Kreia and the older woman grasped her arm with her remaining hand. "He is strong in your mind, but he does not have the control that you allow him. You will soon see this."

The Exile just stared blankly at her as Kreia slipped into her chair to check out the control panel. She blinked for a few moments and shook it off and left in search of some stimulating beverage, be it caffa or some alcohol still smuggled on the ship. Alcohol sounded appealing, of course going to Onderon drunk might not be the best approach. Exile let herself smile for a moment, "Heh, maybe that would be a good idea."

"What would?" Mira's voice caught her off guard even though the woman was sitting leisurely on the couch, and not sneaking up on her.

She held her chest and turned to pour some caffa in a cup, deciding against alcohol, she was jumpy enough sober. "I was considering getting loaded before we headed to Onderon," she replied honestly and turned to Mira offering to get her a drink. The younger woman nodded and moved one of her legs to allow the Exile some room. She handed her the steaming cup and sank into the uncomfortable bench. "I suppose it would certainly make the trip more interesting," she mused.

Mira arched an eyebrow. "Who is he?"

Jene blanched for a moment and eyed Mira suspiciously, reminding herself that the woman could not read her mind. "Who is who?"

Mira rolled her eyes and curled her legs under her. "Okay, I'm not stupid here. Someone is bugging you and from the way you act around Disciple and Atton, I figured you have the male attraction down pat, so I figure some guy is really messed you up."

Jene raised her eyebrows. "And you don't think a Jedi is above that?"

Mira made a scoffing noise, "Hell no. I've seen Jedi around Nar Shaddaa, way before the bounty was put out," Mira was obviously lying or at least exaggerating, her age did not match her story. "And no one acts like the perfect Jedi. Besides with all those males the Jedi have, there's no way that you guys are all celibate."

This was amusing, Jene quirked a smile. "Really? And why do you say that?"

The younger woman rolled her eyes. "Men are all the same. The nicest guy will still rat you out and fall over for a pair of breasts and a good shake of the blaster," she shrugged, "I suppose that's why I like them, easy to handle and figure out. No complications."

She frowned. "Not all men are like that."

"Atton?" Mira gestured with her hand holding the cup that she had yet to take a sip out of and some of the brown liquid splashed on her leg.

"Bad example…" Jene quipped and took a sip of her drink, "Everyone is flawed, but not everyone is simple. I don't think you can figure people out that easily, Mira."

The woman shrugged and curled her other foot under her. "You're easy enough to figure out… but I have a feeling it's not anyone on this ship that's bothering you," she licked her lips and formed the words a bit slower than her normal quick paced speech. "You could talk about it if you wanted. I might be a fast talker, but I'm a good listener."

The repetition of the words caused the Exile's eyebrows to lift again. "Are you just looking for more information to help you collect on your bounty?"

She shook her head. "Bounty is worthless now, well… maybe I've always got my eye on it, but that's how it is. Besides, I haven't had… um," she looked pained to say it, "girl talk, in a while. Bounty hunting isn't usually a woman's business y'know. And if it is, you wouldn't really socialize with your competition over a cup of caffa."

The Jedi quirked her lips into a half smile. "Somehow I don't believe you."

Mira sighed and groaned. "Fine, I'm bored alright. Anything to do. Anything at all and I would be happy. Just share, spill, we could even have a spacing pillow fight for all I care, but being stuck on this ship is driving me insane."

The small honesty out of the young woman made something inside Jene relent and she sighed. Maybe half talking about it would at least help. "_He_," she started and Mira perked over towards her, not expecting her to respond, "had my trust. And he broke it. Twice."

Mira nodded slowly. "Harsh, so what happened?"

She shrugged, "Sometimes I don't know, sometimes I think I imagined everything and I'm still a Padawan studying the latest text… and sometimes," she trailed off and looked at her half cup of caffa that was not fighting off sleep. "Sometimes," she laughed, "You know what… I really don't know what I think. I think that's the whole problem. I've never really confronted it, and now that it's coming to that point, I'm half convinced that nothing will happen or that everything will… I can't, I just, I don't know…"

"And it drives you crazy?" Mira finished finally taking a sip of her drink and grimacing as she realized it had gone cold.

Jene twisted her lips in a reflection of a smile, "Yeah… it drives me insane," she snorted, "I'm so used to having no emotions and now," she pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, "Now it's… strange. I feel like the more that comes back to me, the less I want it." She sighed and shook her head. "I'm being too existential, I think I'll just catch some sleep before we arrive and clear my head."

"No meditating?"

Jene paused for a moment, "No, I think I'll wait until I can be somewhere off the ship. I might get Disciple to come with me later," she scoffed again and rolled her eyes, "And Atton is… well, he's still grumping around here," she looked down at the younger woman who had taken up her previous position stretched out against the couch. "Thanks, Mira."

"For what? You really didn't say anything that made sense," she shrugged, "Or it made perfect sense, I'm sure I'll get it once I've been there. But I never let 'em get that close."

She let out a sardonic laugh, "Very wise."

She waved her off and headed off to her bunk, before hearing a masculine yell from the cockpit. She strolled over, slightly unnerved and poked her head to see Atton holding his chest in fright and Kreia looking down on him and muttering something about 'fools.' She arched an eyebrow at the pilot and he grunted shaking his head. "Y'know, it's polite, Jene. To _tell_ someone when you're leaving and not leave the old hag in your place…" he shook his head quickly and shuddered, "I thought the dark side had really gotten to you," he laughed. "Now if that's not motivation, I don't know what is."

Jene shook her head and walked out of the cockpit, not before hearing Kreia speak in controlled anger and Atton's quick reply. She frowned but decided not worry about it. Onderon was tomorrow, and her destiny was shaping around her. The Force was pushing and pulling her in all directions like a swirling vortex of fate and destiny. She would follow it as long as she was able, but she might get lost in the current.

She curled up in one of the bunks, smiling softly as Disciple was already asleep across from her, the peaceful youth untainted on his face. She sighed, remembering when she had been that young and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

-

The lush Dxun grass tickled her legs as she stomped through. "Unbelievable," she muttered. Her hands were clenching and unclenching and she was in between trying to control her anger and letting it flow through her and throwing a boulder at the next thing that talked to her.

"Are you alright?" but of course Disciple would have to be the first one to speak to her.

She laughed at the absurdity of the thought of harming him. She stopped and flicked off some of the tall grass and some burs that had latched themselves onto her pants. "I'm…" fine was poised to leave her lips, but she could not cause herself to bring it out. She let her blue eyes gaze up at the foggy sky and she let out one loud piercing scream. Her muscles contracted and her arms whipped out to her sides. She dropped them and blinked slowly breathing in the crisp air and sudden release. Disciple looked terrified and Mira no longer looked like she knew what was going on. Jene shook her head and laughed, rubbing her throat from the tension she had caused on it.

"I'm just dandy, Di. Just dandy." She laughed again and shook her head, Revan had once told her that the Force had a sick sense of humor… and she completely agreed. All this buildup towards this moment where she was supposed to meet up with the thing she had been dreading for years and nothing. "This could not be more anticlimactic."

"Um… what couldn't be?" Mira asked hesitantly trying to keep a good distance back.

Jene shrugged her off and became lost in her own thoughts again. All this time, putting off going here and she ends up getting delayed in first place. It was ironic when she thought about it. Going to sleep with the thought of waking on Onderon. What did she expect? To call him up out of hiding and suddenly everything would be resolved? Or she would finally tell him everything she had been holding in? This was never about her… she stopped again and turned towards Disciple. "Why are we doing this?"

The younger man was at a loss for words. "Well, we are attempting to find another way to Onderon and we encountered some signals in this direction."

She shook her head and gestured around her, the Hawk finally out of distance. "No, I mean why are we doing _this_? All of this… are we attempting to reestablish the Order?" she sat down on a rock by one of the tall rock cliffs and shook her head. "Why am I doing any of this?"

Disciple looked uneasy and Mira was keeping an eye out for any wildlife in the area. He kneeled before her. "I thought you wanted to help the Republic, or at least find some answers."

Jene looked into his unyielding and honest eyes. "I don't know anything any more. Living each day for nothing and now living each day with a purpose is…" she blew up and some of the light blond hair on her face flew up. "It's ridiculous that's what it is… what am I doing here?"

Disciple grasped one of her hands. "I think that question has been debated throughout the universe by everyone at least once."

She smiled and let out a heavy breath of air. "Most people don't usually scream like a mynock when they're pondering the meaning of life."

He smiled warmly, "Are you so sure of that?"

Their gazes locked for one moment and the blue eyed paired started to laugh. She shook her head and leaned against her hand with a groan and a laugh. "I don't know why you put up with me." He was quiet and she looked up as he proffered his hand to help her up. She smiled and gratefully took it helping herself off the rock. She held his hand for a moment and he gave her a reassuring squeeze. "Thank you."

He smiled and nodded. "Anytime."

She let go of his hand reluctantly and sighed, Mira was coming down from scouting ahead with a tight expression on her face. Jene blinked in confusion and did not like the look that hardened the young woman's face. "What's wrong?"

Mira's eyes flashed. "There's something you guys just might be interested in checking out."

Disciple folded his hands behind him and walked forward cautiously. "What do you mean, Mira?"

The young redhead sighed and scratched her side. "Well, you know how this place was an old Mandalorian War Site?"

Jene stiffened, of course she remembered. She remembered her legs feeling the lush underbrush beneath her as the dead fell to the ground and every death stabbed her like a knife. She shut her eyes and closed off the memories. "Yes, I know that well enough."

Mira shrugged off one of her shoulder packs and started to load up her wrist launcher. "Yeah, well they aren't that old…"

-

Moving with precision and speed, every lesson that she had learned up until now was being put to the test. Her face and robes were stained with blood and more splashed on her as she raised her lightsaber in a quick precise movement, slicing through another solider backing up the lines… her lines. She was the general and she was the fighter. Every life that flashed out of existence was strengthening and weakening her at the same time. "Left flank!" she barked out, dodging to the side as a mammoth of a man try to set her off balance.

She dipped in and out of his distance, drawing on her own fast footing and the Force at once. She let her lightsaber fly out, the silver beam of light sliced through him with a sickening crack. Her neck twitched and she spun around again, gritting her teeth, as another soldier advanced on her. They kept coming. She pushed forward, shoving her saber through him and pulling back quickly to lash it out at the next one advancing from behind her. She called out to all of their presences, trying to keep an unseeing eye on her own troops and to catch from where her enemies were attacking.

She dodged and darted and quickly attached herself to their life forces, before ending them with one or two swipes of her weapon. They were merciless and she felt and saw many of her companions fall to the ground; their lives ending quickly or bitterly slow. She found herself weakening as she cleaved her weapon against one Mandalorian who was not lucky enough to have a cortosis weave. Her weapon slid through his and then went through his skull like a soft dessert. She used his crumbling body to lift herself up and jump ahead of the carnage, to reach the front of the lines. They were here for a purpose and she had to reassemble her troops. "Left flank!" she called again, growling and spitting out some blood that she guessed was her own.

She jumped with the grace of a Sentinel and the power of a Guardian and skipped over corpses and rubble alike. She could feel the urgency that her leader was projecting and it caused her to press on despite her growing fatigue and her weakening Force strength. She breathed heavy as her hair had come free of its restraints and was falling in front of her eyes. She had neither the time nor the patience to push it back, but it was starting to obstruct her vision. She shook her head and gasped as a vibroblade, in that one second of inattention, had found it's way into her side. She twisted out of the way but the blade left it's mark and her wound caused her to fall to the ground. The harrowing figure stepped forward with a cruel and mirthless laugh.

Her lightsaber rolled out of her reach. She tried to call it to her hand, but the pain was too much for her to focus correctly. She clenched her teeth and bit back the sob that was threatening to escape as she desperately called on the Force to heal her wound. He stood over her mockingly and with a harsh word in his native tongue he lifted his blade above his head. She reached to her side and pulled out a vibroblade slick with blood of it's former owner and took the opportunity to thrust her new weapon into his unguarded stomach and cried out as her own wound opened more. She could hear the sound of choking blood as he teetered back and forth in his armor, until finally he fell… right on top of her.

She tried to roll out of the way, but her injury was worsening and she was blocked by another corpse, Republic in nature. She shut her eyes against the pain as the hulking Mandalorian's corpse pressed into her and trapped her in her fatigued state. The whispers in her ears telling her to keep going could not outmatch the physical pain that was driving into her as she felt the sickly river of blood pour over her legs and onto the already tainted ground.

"Th-There is no," she groaned and the words came out in choked bitter whispers on her tongue, "no emotion. There-" she felt the tears of pain stinging her eyes along with the hair that had come loose as she attempted to move her arm to reach for her weapon once more. "There is peace." She bit on her lip hard enough to make sure that her own blood was mingled with the ones already staining face and tried to reach into her reserves to close up the wound. "There is… no ignorance," she breathed and tried to distinguish the feel of her own blood from the blood of the man on top of her that was seeping into her robes, "There is knowledge," she frantically tried to reach out her free arm towards the Republic corpse by her for a medpack and tore open her wound more in the process, she started to go at it more slowly, "There is no passion, th- ah- there… is serenity."

She closed her eyes and pushed the sounds of battle out of her mind as she tried to take a breath against the pain, but the air refused to come into her lungs, "There," she winced, "There is no chaos," she shut her eyes tighter and tried to make herself deaf to all around her, "There is harmony." She held her hand over the wound, gathering the fabric towards her and regretfully just trying to stop the pain as she let her resolve stop. "There is no death," her eyes fluttered open as she stared at the perfectly beautiful sky virtually unaware of the carnage below it, "There is the Force."

Her breath stilled and she let her arm drop slowly, falling into blackness.

-

She blinked and shook her head as Vaklu's troops advanced on her. She was on Onderon with the current Mandalore and her own Padawan, and she had just spoken to Kavar as if nothing had changed. She wondered when she was going to wake up in her bed on Dantooine and find out that she had lost a drinking contest the night before when she had snuck out with the other students. It was completely surreal to her as she looked to the right of her and saw this bulking brute of a Mandalorian who had acted on honor and fast thinking since she had arrived. She was trying not to be prejudiced, but almost dying at someone's hands and seeing countless others die, left a bitter taste in her mouth.

Then meeting up with the man that was once her teacher and to have a student herself, the parallels were drawn quite clearly. But then again, things could not have been more different. She was not teaching someone and gaining an attachment then quickly putting it away. Would the cycle repeat itself and she would break the Disciple's trust as easily as she had hers broken? No, because she was not the same as him, the ages were different and… and she did not even know Disciple's name. She frowned, she should have thought to ask, but it never occurred to her. Her own feelings were too important to allow anyone else's motivations to get through. She had become close to so many of the crew without really getting to know them, she never let them in and they would never reciprocate what she herself would not offer.

Disciple's voice brought her out of her half trance, "For the sake of the civilians here we should exercise restraint in this battle."

She blinked and almost laughed at how was she able to forget that at least a dozen troopers were advancing on her. She nodded in Disciple's direction and let the Force flow through her to carry out a stasis beam. Mandalore seemed to take some caution, but was also kicking the soldiers out of their trances before lowering his blade. She winced at the memory of a Mandalorian blade making contact with her skin and pushed back most of the troopers, pulling out her cyan saber in the process. She fought with the prowess and training she had learned years ago from those extra lessons that had cost her so much, and soon all of the opposition was gone and they were heading out of the Cantina.

-

Jene's heart felt light and she could not stop smiling as she stepped off the transport. She smoothed back her long hair, now falling casually at her shoulders and adjusted her blue Knight robes. She breathed in the fresh air of Dantooine and took a moment to look around. She felt calmer here more at peace with herself. And today, today was going to go well. The council's inaction should not cause too much distress. She had heard the rumors that he would be joining them and she had no problem coming to Dantooine herself and inviting him along. She fingered her lightsaber softly, reminded of the silver crystal inside that he had given her only two years ago at her Knighting ceremony. She still kept her old yellow crystal with her, but it was stored with her other things on the transport. She felt like spinning around, for once she was doing what she wanted to do.

She was going to do something of her own volition, to stop a threat and be a true Jedi. The council was being foolish and slow, it was their way, but Revan had already swayed many Jedi to her cause and soon the council would realize their folly and join in the cause as well. She shook her head and sighed lightly again, besides being a Jedi did not require listening to every council the Jedi gave, but instead it called for being true to the tenants and teachings she had received. And her teachings had been to respect and protect the Republic. There was no logic in standing by and watching the countless deaths that occurred because of the Mandalorians.

She let her hands slide down her robes as she headed toward the Enclave. She knew who would be accompanying her. She would be at his side, fighting and saving the Republic. They would come back respected and she would feel safe while she was there. Everything would work out perfectly… it had to.

The night was descending and the moon was becoming a crescent in the distance when she knocked on one of the doors in the long hallway of the Enclave. She heard some shuffling, but no response. She shook her head with a smile and knocked again.

"Come in," his voice was slightly off putting and she frowned, as she realized he must have had much work since she left.

She pushed the door open and smiled warmly at him. He was looking down at a few datapads and his desk was covered in clutter, but there seemed to be a method to his madness as random stacks of similar colored datapads were strewn about near each other. "Didn't interrupt did I?" she said lightly, stepping closer.

"Jene?" he looked up and his eyes went from cloudy to bright to dark in an instant.

She frowned; he had a very serious look on his face. She strolled over and put a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

He stiffened at her touch and she instantly recoiled her hand. "I wasn't aware you had arrived," he said quietly, standing but not looking at her directly.

She tried to step into his line of vision, but the desk was blocking her path. She settled for as close as she could get and tried to get under his line of vision. "I just arrived today… is something wrong?"

He met her gaze and his mouth became a solid line. "You're heading for Taris?" he leaned back against his chair and sighed.

She blinked in confusion, "Yes, tomorrow morning," she shook off the feeling that crept up her neck and smiled again. "That's why I'm here, I wanted you to go with me."

He looked up sharply. "Are you even going to ask if I was going to go in the first place?"

She took a step back and tried to ignore the knot that was slowly forming in her stomach. "Well… I thought that-"

He slammed his hand on the table with a loud grunt. "You thought what everyone has been thinking, what the council has been _warning_ me about, what my former students have been asking me, what the Senate expects, what… what even the Mandalorian's are probably expecting," he looked at her his eyes heated and angry, his anger having no place to release until now. "That Master Kavar is going to go off and lead the fight against the Mandalorians… against the better judgment of the council… that I happen to be on."

She curled inside herself. "But… I just, I mean we talked about-"

He was not ready to stop yet. "We talked about, what would happen after the council had decided it was the best approach to take… never before."

She frowned finding her spine. "The council is wrong!"

He glared at her. "I'm _on_ the council!"

She stopped her response and reached out to grasp his arm, this time he did not stiffen from her touch. "Do you agree with them?" she said quietly, no judgment in her voice.

He looked down at her sadly, the anger dripping from him to be replaced by a sad determination. "Yes… no… it doesn't matter."

She shook her head fiercely and grasped his other arm. "How can you say that? People are dying by the thousands, the Mandalorians are wiping out entire worlds… it's a massacre. You know war, you know why they must be stopped."

He shook her grasp off and almost hit the desk again but let his clenched hand hover above it and threw it to his side, letting it bubble up. "Yes, Jene. _I_ know war._ I_ have been in war. You have not. You can't have the slightest grasp of what it could cost us…"

She stepped closer to him and reached for him again her voice rising, "You don't even know if you agree with the council! Why are you letting them do this," she reached out her hand to touch him and he grasped it sternly and dropped it. Her voice rose in pitch. "What is wrong with you? You act like I'm going to burn your skin!" He would not meet her vision anymore. "After what happened, you shouldn't be acting so on guard. It's me. You can talk to me about what's bothering you. Being like this after what… after it happened isn't helping anything. You're not making any sense. Kavar what is-"

"It was a mistake!" he shouted at her, cutting her tirade short.

Jene could not feel her pulse, she could no longer tell if her heart was beating of if she was breathing. His words had knocked all the life out of her. Tears pricked the corner's of her eyes. "A mistake?" it was so soft, but so sharp that he looked saddened, none of his previous anger remained and his eyes projected the hollowness she was feeling. She stepped back, grabbing the desk as she backed into it. She just stared at him in complete shock.

"Jene... I'm sorry, but it - it shouldn't have happened."

Something inside her snapped. "But it _did_ happen," she was hyperventilating and could no longer support herself in a full standing position. She settled for holding her chest where it felt like her heart had literally exploded and leaned against her legs. "You can't just take it back!"

He looked so saddened, the tough Master pose was gone and the man she had once found solace in was back. "I didn't - I can't."

She shut her eyes, "Stop it! You won't fight for what you believe in, you deny how you feel, you... you're just as bad as _them_!"

His face hardened. "I've always been a member of the council. And I support their - our decision, there's something out there that we can't see, Jene. It's... we have to control ourselves."

She shook her head, it was unbelievable, every picture she had in her head for how this was going to go was breaking down. Them fighting together, returning together, finding peace and solace even on the battle grounds. Everything was just blown away by four simple words. "You don't feel that way," she met his eyes and for a moment there was truth. She understood him more than she had ever truly understood him and she felt sick inside for ever knowing him, for ever caring about him, for ever… She shook her head. "You're just a coward, _Master_ Kavar," she spat and turned around to walk away from him.

Kavar reached out and found his feet stuck in place. "I know," he said quietly.

She reached around to open the door and her feet became fast and steady. She realized this was from one of the many training sessions they had done and she choked back a sob as she ran down the seemingly endless hallway, she could almost hear her name being called, but if he could not even run after her, then he would never see her cry over him. She ran as fast as she could away from the Enclave, away from Dantooine, away from the Jedi, away from _him_.

-

She curled her legs to her chest and rested her chin on them as she stared blankly at the window and the blackness of the Hyperspace. "Apathy is death," she repeated to herself silently, remembering the lesson of Korriban and the taste of an all too real lightsaber as Darth Revan sparred with her, as she had never done in life. She shut her eyes and pushed her forehead against her knees. Only a few hours and she would truly be on the way to confronting _him_, to asking the questions she was too heartbroken to ask when he had hid in the shadow of the council, or when his soulless eyes had deemed her worthy to walk alone for five long years.

She remembered stabbing that lightsaber into the center stone, looking directly at him, hoping to feel vindicated, angry, something… but she felt nothing. She did not even care about the point she brought across by stabbing the blade still with his silver crystal in it, while facing him down. She felt dead, liking a walking corpse. Malachor V had broken her and wounded her in ways she could not even begin to describe, but he was the first one to plunge in the knife.

The first to make her bleed.

The visions on Korriban had made her fatigued and she felt nothing better than to curl up in a ball and sleep, but sleep would not come. She could no longer control her memories as they came to her fast and mercilessly. It was only a matter of time before _that_ memory assailed her. She felt a foreign sensation touch her cheek and she realized a few stray tears had left their warm trail down to her lips, where she tasted the unfamiliar saltiness.

Had it been that long? Every emotion that she had lost was coming back to her, except the one that she was never quite sure she had felt to begin with. She had thought that five years was a short period of time flitting by with every redundant movement. But she was completely wrong, those five years had been an eternity and every moment she had spent closing herself off was now filled with a bitter regret of all that she had lost.

She had friends once, she had happiness, she had… she had a life. And now she felt like the shell of a woman trying to reconstruct herself into something else.

She stared numbly at the readout, longing to replay the message, but without the strength to do so. They would arrive on Dxun within the hour and something would be resolved, she was sure of it.

-

"Okay, so we're in… now what do we do?" Atton seemed amused and irritated at the same time. In away it was like how this journey had all started, Atton was being obnoxious, Kreia was glaring at him, and they were fighting for their lives.

But this time they were not running away, they were running right into the fire.

"We shall find a way to open the door, fool," Kreia seemed, if possible, more annoyed with Atton.

He shrugged and held his newly constructed lightsaber like it was a glass vase that he did not want to drop. "I know that, but how do we open the door? There are two directions…" he smirked and fingered the blaster he was still not comfortable taking off, "Or we could always split up…"

She was running right into what she was desperately avoiding. And the closer they came to it, the more she felt too weak to hold back the memories, the feelings that she was desperately trying to hide.

Kreia's lip twitched ever-so slightly, "The officer said their were mines coming in that direction. Try and use your 'luck' to get through, 'Atton,'"

He stiffened and crossed his arms, taking care to not accidentally set of the lightsaber… again. "Look, you old hag. We obviously have to start in one of these directions… so we'd better pick one, before that _thing_ breaks into the queen's powder room," he sighed dramatically, "And to think I was upset when she picked the kid ahead of me to go hunt down Sith… oh no, this is much safer," the sarcasm dripped from his words.

_She carefully opened the door, trying to surprise him as best she could. He did not turn from setting up the vibroblades, but as she stepped quietly in the room, his soft friendly voice broke through. "I suppose the hallowed Jedi Knight has returned from her adventuring throughout the galaxy, to pay her old friend a visit."_

Kreia turned towards Jene and Atton followed her movements, "What is your plan of action, should we take the east or the west passage?"

She paid them no head as she fiddled with her belt clasp.

_She smiled brightly. "I didn't spend that much time away did I?" He turned to face her and his eyes twinkled. He hefted one of the swords and tossed it to her, she caught it with ease and slipped her sack onto the floor. He pulled out his own vibroblade and with a flick of his hand the door was closed. _

"Hello, are all your gears working up there, Jene?" Atton was waving a hand in front of her face, the one with his lightsaber.

She snapped out of her daze and stepped back in fright. "Watch that thing, Atton," she snapped.

He chuckled with no hint of remorse, "I'm being careful…"

She crossed her arms, "That's what you said when you almost put a hole in T3."

Atton quirked an eyebrow, "Yeah, too bad I missed," he grumbled and shrugged and carefully placed his orange lightsaber back into the makeshift holder he made for it. "Well, what's the plan, oh fearless leader?"

She frowned for a moment and straightened up her robes. "This way," she said firmly and started to make her way down the hall. She felt like she was in an old children's story, one where the handsome knight rescues the beautiful princess from the tall tower. Except she was the knight and her princess could very well save himself if he felt like it. She pulled out her weapon as some of Vaklu's troops approached, along with some Bomas that were trying to break into what looked like the museum. With the odd trio of Jedi coming at them, they were confused and fought with less accuracy than they normally would have… a deadly mistake.

Her blade swept down in a methodical movement.

_She unclasped the top of her robes and slipped them off, along with her shoes. She could tell from the look in his eyes that he was not planning to go easy on her, but she knew she was going to surprise him._

She kicked out with her leg and it landed right on the chest of one of the Beast Tamers. The others were, dead, unconscious, or running in the other direction. She leveraged her weight on his chest and pushed her foot down. "Mind telling me where to get past the blockade?"

He glared at her, but his face turned to fear as her lightsaber lowered near his neck.

_He deftly pushed back some of the mats and removed his shoes and the top of his robes. She fought back the heat on her neck as she realized the difference between them was that he wore nothing underneath the top of his robes._

"General Vaklu is the rightful ruler, Talia is just a fascist bent on destroying our culture!" he growled.

She moved her lightsaber closer to his neck so that he could feel the heat. "And staging a violent coup is a part of your culture that you so desperately want to keep?"

He eyed the cyan light that was dangerously close to loping off his head and swallowed. "The last door on the left, they've got some Jedi Master working on the defenses, we couldn't get in!" he was sweating. "Don't kill me," he half-begged, half-growled.

She frowned and deactivated her lightsaber. "Get out of here, and hope you have a starport visa," she scoffed in disgust.

_She was going to act on the defensive, until he decided to strike out. She walked forward just enough so that she was in the training circle on the highest platform, but not enough to stage an attack. He would have to make the first move… she was going to win this fight._

The soldier scrambled to get up and started to run away, Atton pulled out his blaster and let it fly with a sickening crack to the back of his skull while he was fleeing. "Woops," Atton smirked.

Jene folded her arms and glared at him, "Atton! That wasn't necessary."

He narrowed his vision, "What? I slipped." She gave him a look that showed how unamused she was and he shoved his blaster in its holster stiffly. "Yeah, well don't act like you're the perfect beacon of light… nice torture scene there."

She frowned at him and shrugged, not allowing the comment she wanted to leave her lips. She wished she had taken Bao-Dur instead, but did not want to force the Zabrak into a Mandalorian weapon to fall from tremendous heights. She turned away from Atton and stepped over a few bodies heading to the last door.

_He tensed the muscles in his shoulders, a smile crossing his face as he realized what she was doing. She quirked an eyebrow at him, daring him on. He would react one of two ways, either attacking her like she wanted, or trying to bait her out himself. She shifted the weight on her feet trying to gage which he would choose, when he darted forward blade heavy in his grip. She reacted quickly and parried it with her own blade and spun to the side, causing his overuse of weight to pull him down._

She fiddled with the door controls, and Atton shoved her aside, his fingers working deftly to open the door. Her breath caught in her throat as she remembered the words the solider had used, 'Jedi Master.' Kavar looked up immediately and his blue lightsabers were quickly activated as he stalked towards the door. Atton took a heroic step behind Jene, and Kavar lowered his blades. He was silent for a moment.

"I don't know how you made it, but well done," a hint of the old Kavar came through on that line, with a gruff chuckle, like he should have expected it, "Come in, quickly before more Sith or Vaklu troops arrive."

Atton stayed behind Jene and eyed the still drawn lightsabers warily. Kreia followed and had enough sense to shut the door. She came up near Atton and with a soft scoffing laugh, "Very courageous, fool."

He glowered at her but said nothing; he did finger his lightsaber, no doubt picturing what he could do with it.

Kavar cast a glance towards the terminal he was working on and deactivated his lightsabers; his voice was a little rushed as he spoke, "We got split off from Talia's troops by the currents of this war. We really need to talk," he avoided Jene's eyes but those words were said clearly, "but Kadron and I are coordinating the defense of the war." Jene folded her arms in front of her and shook her head; once more it was just quick talk. The logical part of her realized that with each passing moment the Queen could be killed, but the other part of her was fuming. "I know Captain Kadron needs someone to handle a dangerous assignment," he continued pointing towards the door across from him, "He's in the other room. Talk to him, no one else could do the job."

"How did you get split from Talia's forces?" Jene voiced, a slight edge of irritation in her voice.

Kavar's face tightened and his first words came out sharply, almost defensively, "I'm not her bodyguard." He continued, ignoring the terminal in front of him that previously had his full attention, "We were fighting at the palace gates. There were too many of them…" he trailed off and sighed. He walked over to Jene and placed a hand on her shoulder, "We'll talk when all of this is over." Something in his voice triggered something inside her; it was kind, caring, and sad all at the same time. He removed his hand and straightened up, "Until then, may the Force be with you."

Jene stared at him for a long second before heading towards the door. He was back to working on his terminal and trying to rally security. She quickly made her way to Kadron and found out about a slicer that was disabling the defensives and headed off in the direction they had come from.

Atton was trying to keep up with her. "What the hell was that about?"

She slowed her pace very slightly, "We're taking the other hallway to the slicer to see if we can get that door open, what do you think it was about? Weren't you listening?"

He grumbled something under his breath and stepped up his pace to keep by her. "Yeah, I was listening to some secret unspoken conversation between you and Mr. 10 Inch Lightsabers, over there…"

She stopped in her tracks causing Atton to run into her. A sharp laugh left her lips. "You have the most screwed up priorities… and coarse nicknames," she laughed again and shook her head, "Just keep your head down and shut up, Atton." She vaguely considered taking off one of her gloves and shoving it in Atton's mouth to shut him up or choke him, either way he would be quiet.

He frowned and they started their pace again, Kreia was not running, but seemed to catch up with them every few moments besides. They got to the slicer, who was all too familiar and everything was sorted out with a quickening pace and they at last got to the door… just as the gargantuan Drexl Larva had broken through the Force Field and apparently crushed Tobin. Jene decided that a beast trick was not going to tame this creature, so she threw her lightsaber towards it.

Atton's propriety towards blasters ended up being the deciding factor, his odd arrangement of firing, throwing a few grenades and finally slicing with his orange blade, weakened the beast enough for Jene and Kreia to end it's life. As they finally rushed through the large doors, the wide throne room was facing a large battle. Vaklu's troops seemed to have the advantage and Talia's forces were already losing morale from the fact that the opposition was able to get this close to their queen. "Cover me," she said quickly and Atton eyed her for a moment before readying his lightsaber. She sat in a meditative position, hoping that Atton and Kreia would block any blaster bolts, and attempted to call on the Battle Mediation technique that Kreia had taught her.

_He seemed to stumble for a moment, and she smiled as her plan had worked. She pulled out her blade to trip him, but he deftly spun around and caught it with his own, the look on his face clearly saying that he had not fallen into her trap. Now she was on the defensive, without much room to pull back, so she pushed forward with her own blade._

She frowned at her lapsing concentration and flung the Jedi Master out of her thoughts. She centered herself and made a connection with all the troops in the room. She slowly wound around them, twisting her essence into their own and feeling what of the Force did flow through them, she was the voice whispering in their ears, to let it all go, or to fight on strongly. She pressed forward her strength to them momentarily, blocking out the feelings of those around her, hiding from her own and only projecting what she wanted them to feel. It was acidic to her, and she did not know how much longer she could last as it was dripping away the last of her reserves. She accidentally touched the minds of a few Sith Apprentices that were inside and felt her reserves drop for a moment; the blackness that they shoved back at her momentarily affected those she was influencing, before she swiftly cut off the connection.

The large doors that once hid the Queen from view were open and a raging fire of might and strength came bursting through. Kavar with both of his lightsabers blazing in strong blue light ran forward towards the fight. His muscles stretched beneath his robes as he jumped with the Force and the strength in his legs towards the group of Sith that were taking out Talia's troops. She breathed in slowly, gathering herself to her feet and noticed Vaklu and Talia facing off near the throne. Most of the other troops were being taken care of so she headed in their direction.

Vaklu looked weakened but he stepped off to the side with a few words and a sick smile, "Goodbye, Talia."

A few snipers hiding behind the large tapestries came through, but she threw out her lightsaber and deflected the shots, and once they were noticed Talia's forces quickly took them out. She stood in front of the Queen and glared at Vaklu, happy to have someone to take out her frustration on. "Your plans end here, Vaklu," she growled.

He looked shocked and insulted all at once that his plans were ended, "What! The Jedi lives? But how?" he was grasping at air; he had obviously expected her to die from the Drexl Larva.

She shook her head and scoffed, she hated being underestimated. She stuck out her hip and rested her hand on it, "You'll find that I'm full of surprises."

Talia had stepped from behind her and was looking at Vaklu with a quiet disbelief. He just sneered at her, completely ignoring the Exile, "You've won… this battle, Talia… But your reign won't be an easy one," he was beginning to sweat. He held his gaze firm with a last line and locked her in, "The Republic is a sinking ship. And you're too attached to it."

Jene was close enough to strike him down from where she was. Kreia was no longer towards the back and walked towards where the Exile and Queen Talia were standing, "He is too dangerous to leave alive." She said the next words without a convincing tone, "As distasteful as it is," her mouth curved, "it might be best to silence him forever. Until he's dead, all of Onderon is in peril."

She recognized the truth in Kreia's words, but shook her head as she felt Kavar's presence when he walked forward off to the edge of the conflict. "I can't do that. Everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves," she looked at Kavar pointedly as she said the word 'everyone.' Her gaze stayed locked with his for a moment and the seconds seemed to stream by. She really could have cared less if someone had chopped Vaklu's head off right there, but she had gone through all the trouble of stabilizing Talia's reign, it would be an injustice to just let it fall apart.

Vaklu was being careless and stepped forward towards her, "You're a fool. Your companion is right. Fine, send me to your best detention cell. I will be free within the week. And vengeance will be mine!" he actually cackled and she could hear Atton laughing near her.

"'Vengeance will be mine'? Who does this guy think he is? We're not in a bad holovid, and he's not bidding to take over the galaxy," he laughed again and shrugged for a moment, "But hey if someone has to go to a Detention Cell, better him than me."

Talia stepped forward, her face was set with cold determination, "Aren't you forgetting who is queen, Vaklu?" she turned towards Jene, Atton and Kreia, "I appreciate the Jedi's counsel," she turned back towards him and waved her hands while she spoke, "But as monarch I decree you are guilty of treason. The punishment is death. To be carried out immediately. Captain Kadron." The Captain stepped forward and two other guards grabbed Vaklu up harshly.

He was beside himself and struggled against their grip. "Talia, you can't… you're… you're too weak. What about my trial?"

"Yeah, calling her weak, that'll win you bonus points," Atton laughed under his breath.

Jene sighed and kicked the part of her that cared about this, "He's right, your majesty," she looked up and said 'unfortunately' under her breath before returning her vision to the Queen, "What sort of moral authority will you have if you do this?"

She looked disconcerted and the fierce warrior that once was, was suddenly replaced by indecision. Her youth showed more clearly on her face, "But he will rise again. He has too many supporters." She shook her head and closed off most of the hesitancy in her face, "I do appreciate your counsel, but he must be killed."

She shook her head, pushing past the part of her that did not care about any of this. _Apathy is death_. "If you kill him, you make him a martyr," she said wisely and her words once again effected the Queen's face, "Use the time you have to strengthen your hold of the city. Try to undo his lies and propaganda." She was not sure if she believed the next words she said, but she knew they would work, "But killing him is just wrong." As a general she learned what the right thing to say was.

Talia's face was still firm, but for just a moment, "But the price if you are wrong…" she trailed off and gave a weighty sigh, "I thought I could order this. But, I can't. It would be breaking our laws." She turned toward her cousin, "You will stand trial, Vaklu. Take him away." She watched as the guards hauled him off and shook her head in silent thought for a moment before tuning back to Jene. "What is done is done. I don't think the service you have given us can ever be repaid. I must go with Captain Kadron, the fighting must be stopped. I will be back shortly to try and repay you." She made her way to turn, but stopped and looked at the Exile with deep, honest, and young eyes, "The crisis is over thanks to you… and Master Kavar." She pointed to where Kavar had walked off without their notice, "I believe he'd like to speak to you, if you'll excuse me."

She looked out towards the lone door towards the back and after a moment's hesitation walked forward, she felt Atton stir near her, but heard Kreia's voice and he stayed. She walked the long path and walked outside the door. It was a balcony area, but to describe it as a normal balcony would have been doing it an injustice. The hard white marble spread out and around the back of the palace into strong figures and majestic statues and there weren't just a few plants but an entire garden covered the windows and lined around the railing; it was breathtaking.

She did not have to look far; Kavar was leaning against the balustrade, facing the view that did not contain the battle still going on. His gaze was vacant, but he felt her approach, "The Force works in mysterious ways, it seems," a dry chuckle left his lips. "There are times I'm not convinced it doesn't have a sense of humor." He turned towards her and leaned against the railing with his back, she took a few cautious steps towards him, "We spent all this time looking for you, and you just came to us. Thought you might return to Onderon," he said more to himself than her, "Looks like just in time," he said softly as a cool breeze blew through his hair and her own.

She shivered against the chill and looked up at him quietly, "You were looking for me?" she could not keep out the incredulous tone that crept into her voice, no matter how quietly she said it.

He nodded and sighed leaning back on his elbows, she could catch his wrists under his robes and noticed the new scars that had formed there, "I told the other Masters that our only chance to figure out what was happening to us was to find you – and try to understand what happened to you," he shook his head, "I don't know how much you know, but this threat that's striking at the Jedi… it's attacking us through the Force."

She bit her lower lip and sank down onto a nearby edge where some red flowers were closing up for the night. "I've heard some of it…"

He frowned remembering some long lost conversation, "Vrook didn't believe me," an unspoken 'of course,' was left in the air, "But he was willing to travel to Dantooine, if only to help the settlers there… and perhaps protect what was left of the Jedi Enclave," his eyes were dark and she understood that pain, it was the pain she had faced walking into the ruins and tattered remains of a place she had once called home. He shook his head and ignored the ancient irritation, "Whatever, the reason, having us all drop out of sight I thought might make the enemy more bold–" he stopped his story and looked at her with a strange expression, "but then you happened."

"So I've noticed," she said curtly trying to avoid the look he was giving her.

"You came back," he said in a voice that she could not place, "and you became a new target for whoever was attacking us."

She frowned and looked at her feet, there was still some bloody residue from the battle. She started to scrape it off on a nearby rock. "Why did you choose these places to hide?"

He eyed her wearily and took a deep breath, "They were places touched by war. And we thought there was a chance you would return to these worlds, if only to try and make peace with what happened there during the war." He ignored her scoffing noise, except for a slight quirk of his eyebrow, "But now the Sith have revealed themselves, that means the remaining Jedi will gather on Dantooine. From there, we can counterattack."

She frowned thinking of Atris and her haughty demeanor last time they had met, "Why not Telos?"

He got up from his comfortable position and creased his brow, "Telos? But Telos was destroyed during the Jedi Civil war," he blinked and mumbled, "I heard they're trying to rebuild."

Jene almost laughed, of course Atris would get in over her head thinking she was the last of the Jedi. She should have attempted to make contact if she was trying to rebuild the Jedi Order single handedly, but Atris had never been one for needing help. "Atris intends to rebuild the Jedi Order on Telos."

The look that Kavar gave her froze her blood, "Atris? I had thought Atris had gone to Katarr," he shook his head and started to murmur to himself, "Too many Jedi have scattered – the council needs to gather, we cannot remain concealed any longer."

She was suspicious of this information and her thoughts traveled to some of the archives she had read about which Jedi had died. Her old friend Xaset was more of a shock in regards to that he was a Jedi again as opposed to that he was dead, she had expected them all to be long dead, "What happened on Katarr?"

He frowned, the memory not pleasant, "We knew that someone was preying on us, hunting us. Finally the Jedi decided to take action, and called a secret conclave on Katarr to decide what must be done." He sighed deeply, "Before the meeting could even begin, all the Jedi on the planet were killed, along with the Miralukas and all other life on the planet," his voice trembled very slightly for just a moment, "Their deaths could be felt throughout the galaxy."

She finally allowed the image of her serious, but caring friend to enter her mind. "Xaset…" she said quietly.

He waited a moment before continuing. "So the Council decided that we must not present ourselves as a target again. The consequences to others was just too great, that we should use our resources to find who was responsible and deal with them." A loose, dry chuckle left his mouth, "I think you're the only one who's made progress."

She ignored the feelings that his laugh brought in her and went straight to the point, "I have questions."

He nodded and leaned back against the balustrade, this time in a less relaxed position, "The difficulties you surmounted to get here. You must have questions. You deserve answers."

Jene knew he was bracing himself for her questions, but she decided that if she had to wait for answers he would have to suffer a bit. "Why did you come here?"

He blinked for a moment and regained his composure, still a bit off put, "It's a long story – but there's a reason the Jedi have scattered across the galaxy – we've come to worlds such as this one. Worlds touched by war, or great tragedies can be felt within the Force… strongly," he sighed trying to find the reasons that he had repeated to himself, "We thought by traveling to such worlds, it would help conceal us from the eyes of the enemy. And they were places we thought we might find you," he met her unwavering heated gaze and conceded to tell her the first full truth, "I might find you…"

There was silent for a moment as she mulled this over in her head, "I need to know why _you_ cast me out of the Order," her tone was lethal and she made no apologies.

He was on the defensive, "There was nothing else we could do. You defied the Council. You followed Revan to war," he sighed, "I know why you did it, but in so doing much more harm was done," he shook his head and rubbing his temple, before meeting her gaze again, "We could not have made you do such a thing, in any event. I think you knew, inside, what you needed to do in order to heal."

She folded her arms protectively over her. Her interest was piqued, but she was still wary, "What do you mean?"

"All those lives during the Mandalorian Wars – and all those you served beside. Too much death leaves echoes in the Force; it is the price for having such connections," he made a gesture with his hand, not meeting her fierce gaze, "I suspect that is why you chose to accept the Council's judgment, to wander beyond the Rim. And why you traveled with no one, and did not stay in any place too long."

There was a long moment of silence and she suddenly could not hold onto her anger. He had been tracking her movements, checking up on her, no one else could know that. It was not common knowledge where she stayed and she had maintained a low profile until she had had her run in with the Republic that had started this whole mess.

He broke the silence with words she desperately did not want to hear and wanted to hear at the same time, "I have thought of you since your trial," he took a tentative step forward and carefully sat next to her keeping a respectable distance. She just stared at him and made no movement, so he continued, "and there are times when I wonder if being connected to the Force is always the gift it is believed to be."

She nodded, knowing the same feeling from her time in exile. "You've answered all my questions," he stared at her and she snapped her head back at him, "Except one…"

Kavar nodded slowly and leaned back awaiting her judgment, "I expected as much."

She crossed her arms in front of her, "Any more _mistakes_ since I've been gone?"

He frowned but held back whatever remark he was going to say and slid back away from her so he could face her. He sighed, "It wasn't-"

She continued, ignoring his comments, feeling all the bitterness she was holding back finally being able to release, "That Queen Talia, looks nice, I suppose you like them young."

Kavar's eyes flashed angrily, "Now that's over the line!"

Jene glared at him and let her anger roll through her, she had held onto it long enough. "Really? Because I would have thought with me gone, and no Council to hold you back, you would be on to the next thing that you could guilt about later."

He reached out and grasped her arms, "I was wrong."

She felt tears prick her eyes, which made her even angrier, "Don't give me this speech again," she snapped, biting back the pain from where her throat was closing.

He sighed and looked down, "No, Jene… _I_ was wrong," he stared at her, "It wasn't a mistake."

Somehow the same sentence, with a minor difference making it opposite could sting her just the same in a completely different way. She breathed heavily and shut her eyes, only encouraging the hot tears to slide down her cheeks. He pulled her into his arms and held her firmly. She let everything go and clung to his robes long enough for the sunset to turn into night and could feel the wetness on his robes where all her unchecked emotions had spilled out. She felt the murmur of his voice on her head, where his chin was pressed.

"I'm going to Dantooine. The Jedi Council vowed to assemble again when the Sith revealed themselves. Now that they have attacked Onderon, we can act." She nodded against his chest, at a loss for words. He let his hands rest on her shoulders and after a moment he carefully pushed her back enough to look her in the eyes. "Our paths will cross again," he smiled tiredly and only then was she aware how old he was beginning to look; the trials of war were finally taking their toll on him. He wiped a tear from her cheek, "May the Force be with you."

He carefully stood up and she started to wipe her face, fearful of how red stained her eyes were. She wiped her nose on her robes when he started to walk away. She did not have all her questions answered, but she felt more at peace. And that at least was a start. She straightened out her robes and hair and dipped her hands in one of the fountains that were displayed. She found her reflection not as hideous as she expected but she washed her face anyway.

She walked into the halls to see Queen Talia arriving, her robes were a little worse for the wear, but she carried herself like a true monarch. She was holding a package in her hands and waited until Jene went towards her, "I'm sorry to keep you here. I needed to thank you personally for all of your help," she gave a respectful look to Atton, who was putting away the Pazaak cards that he had been using to cheat a guard out of credits with. She arched an eyebrow and he just shrugged. Talia continued facing Jene fully, "Onderon owes both you and Master Kavar a debt that can never truly be repaid. Battles still wage in our streets, but by morning the conflict should be over," she looked over her shoulder and then back to the Exile, "I recognize you must leave soon, but please take this."

The rest of her words were lost on Jene as she fingered the soft fabric in her hands. She recognized them immediately as Jedi robes; the light streaming off them seemed to improve the aura around her. Before she realized it Talia was off and out of the room. She sighed deeply and turned towards Atton and Kreia.

Atton was the first to open his mouth, "Who hit you with a mynock?"

Her temper flared and she spluttered indignantly, "Did they teach you how to speak this way at charm school?" she frowned and felt dread rising in her stomach. "I don't look _that_ bad do I?"

He shrugged, "Nah, I doubt Queenie over there would have even noticed. She just kept prattling on…"

Kreia turned her way before she could respond. "I see that your meeting did not go as expected..."

She sighed. "Seeing as I didn't know what to expect to begin with," she shook her head, "It happened. I learned. That's all that needs to be said."

Kreia nodded her approval and Atton quickly lost interest in the topic. It was only a moment before a Royalist Corporal approached them, "If you will follow me. I will take you to your shuttle."

Atton laughed, "So we get a shuttle now, and here I thought we dropped down on a War Droid."

She ignored his comment as one line stayed in her mind, 'It wasn't a mistake.'

-

She carefully opened the door, trying to surprise him as best she could. He did not turn from setting up the vibroblades, but as she stepped quietly in the room, his soft friendly voice broke through. "I suppose the hallowed Jedi Knight has returned from her adventuring throughout the galaxy, to pay her old friend a visit."

She smiled brightly. "I didn't spend that much time away did I?" He turned to face her and his eyes twinkled. He hefted one of the swords and tossed it to her, she caught it with ease and slipped her sack onto the floor. He pulled out his own vibroblade and with a flick of his hand the door was closed.

She unclasped the top of her robes and slipped them off, along with her shoes. She could tell from the look in his eyes that he was not planning to go easy on her, but she knew she was going to surprise him. He deftly pushed back some of the mats and removed his shoes and the top of his robes. She fought back the heat on her neck as she realized the difference between them was that he wore nothing underneath the top of his robes.

She was going to act on the defensive, until he decided to strike out. She walked forward just enough so that she was in the training circle on the highest platform, but not enough to stage an attack. He would have to make the first move… she was going to win this fight.

He tensed the muscles in his shoulders, a smile crossing his face as he realized what she was doing. She quirked an eyebrow at him, daring him on. He would react one of two ways, either attacking her like she wanted, or trying to bait her out himself. She shifted the weight on her feet trying to gage which he would choose, when he darted forward blade heavy in his grip. She reacted quickly and parried it with her own blade and spun to the side, causing his overuse of weight to pull him down.

He seemed to stumble for a moment, and she smiled as her plan had worked. She pulled out her blade to trip him, but he deftly spun around and caught it with his own, the look on his face clearly saying that he had not fallen into her trap. Now she was on the defensive, without much room to pull back, so she pushed forward with her own blade. It did enough to get him to back up, she could not use her full force against him… and it was an unspoken rule that no Force powers were used while they were sparring. She spun back around, with a dancer's grace, and when she had enough room started to use her full agility to the advantage.

She had edged out enough space to start baiting him towards her again. She would dart in to his range and their swords would clash and she would quickly dart out of his range after that. It was an intricate dance; she dodged, spun, and twirled, kicking out with full force to trip him up. He found his resistance faltering and gritted his teeth in realization that she was gaining the upper hand. Her eyes twinkled as she knew what he was thinking and she spun her blade around, landing a hit on his arm with the flat end of the blade.

His winced, for pride or pain she was unsure. Her breathing was starting to get heavy from all the movement, but she refused to back down and kept at her light footwork. He growled and pushed forward at her, matching her rhythm and advancing his blade on hers. She had to speed up, but he was coming at her faster and harder now. She felt her grip loosening on the handle of her vibroblade so she stepped back for a moment trying to regain her composure; she quickly switched the blade around and wiped her hands on her trousers.

He jumped at the opening and lunged at her. She had seen it coming and rolled out of the way quickly and hopped to her feet. He was coming at her right when she had stood up and she lifted her blade up in response. He was bringing his blade down harder and faster than before, ramming into her with a force she did not know he possessed. She attempted to get her legs out and trip him up, but in her flurries and response she felt her back touch the wall and almost swore before his full strength smashed her up against the wall. His blade pressed against hers very close to her neck and his body was so close she could feel the heat coming off it and feel the heavy breathing of his bare chest.

She was ready to begrudgingly admit defeat when she looked up to his face only centimeters from hers. The softness in his eyes had gone black and she was frightened for a moment. She felt him press against her more and let out a soft breath of air before she felt her own lips captured. She felt for the first time what she had been daydreaming about for years. She felt like melting as the heat between them traveled to her stomach and stayed there.

He dropped his blade and she had not even remembered letting go of her own, but he shoved them out of the way with an impetuous flick of his hand before grasping her up against the wall. She put her arms around his shoulders and fell into the kiss slowly. She knew not much more than what she had read from Nisotsa's holonovels, but everything seemed to come naturally. She reflexively leaned back to curve against the wall as his hand went through her hair pulling it out of its long pale plait. She put her hands on his shoulders and wrapped them around his neck enjoying the feel of his bare skin against her arms.

She started to lift one hand to touch the wavy strands that had been mocking her since she was old enough to notice, but he pulled his face away from hers for a moment. She felt the warmth in her stomach turn into a knot as she expected everything to end suddenly. The logical part of her was reemerging and she would not blame him for what he was about to say. They were both fatigued from the sparring and they had both let their emotions get ahead of them. If she could just find the will power to push him away she would be fine. But as she felt his breath on her neck, she melted once again and the knot disappeared.

He let his fingers glide into her hair and let his mouth rest right by her ear. "I always liked your hair long."

That was it, her breathing increased and her neck was going to burn itself to a crisp. The logical part of her brain left her completely and the rest of her was grateful. She let her hand reach up into his hair finally as her other hand slid down the taut muscles of his back. His shoulders tensed under her fingers as he pulled her closer to him. He lifted her long hair and breathed slowly onto her neck before his lips descended on it. She bit back a whimper as his hand slid her top off her shoulder so he could gain access to the sensitive skin by her collarbone.

She inhaled sharply as she felt a soft nip on the hollow of her throat, while his hands were moving lower on her back. His rough hands loosened the shirt from her pants and slipped underneath to tickle the bare skin. She let her arms lift above her head as he removed her top, regretfully removing her hand from his back. His kissed her again as his hands caressed her shoulders and slowly made their way down to her waist.

She ran her hands up his chest and back around his neck and felt his strong arms lift her up from her thighs. As she was losing all coherent thought, she hoped that the door was locked.

-

She stood by the transport with the midday sun glaring in her eyes. She squinted up at him as he began to speak, and tried to utilize his tall presence for shade.

"How long will you be gone?" there was not much inflection in his voice, but if anything he sounded disappointed.

She smiled softly, "For a few months," she pulled him behind the transport quickly with every intention of stealing a quick kiss, but found that the moment they were out of the sight of the Enclave he had wrapped his arms around her and captured her lips again. He kept his hands rested on the small of her back and she breathed heavily, feeling the heat rise up on the back of her neck, "Or I could cut it down to two…"

He smiled at her, "Two sounds good."

-

She stepped forward carefully taking note that the Enclave doors were now free of debris and open, waiting for her arrival. She felt a wave of emotion hit her as she walked towards the central gardens. The once beautiful, etched centerpiece was now overgrown with weeds and the stone benches were thrown to the side, half broken into dust. The pathways were covered in grass and weeds had devoured all the plants that had once called the area home.

She heard Kreia stir behind her and was surprised by the softness of her voice. "It… it is different, it has been some time," the old Master sat down slowly on a knee level part of the central circle, looking older and weaker than Jene had ever seen her. "Forgive me," she said slowly, "but I need to rest. Go on… the Council awaits," she exhaled a tired breath, "I will remain here."

Jene was aware of the fear coming from Kreia and it was causing her to be a bit on edge, "You're afraid," she said it gently, but was dubious about the statement. Seeing Kreia weak was a first for her.

Kreia did not snap at her but gave a tired sigh, "Yes, afraid for you. As I have always been," she leaned back a bit. "I will be fine here… whatever answers the Council has are for you alone."

She still felt hesitant to leave her, feeling oddly protective over the woman who had brought her back in touch with the Force. "Is there anything wrong?"

Kreia let another sad sigh escape her lips, "I am tired. The journey has been a long one and I need to center myself." Jene nodded and slowly walked around to where she knew the Council would be, she stopped as she heard Kreia's voice softly behind her. "Know that much may happen here, but above all, do not forget this… you may trust in me. We cradle each other's lives, and what threatens one of us threatens us both. And if you cannot trust me, trust in your training, trust in yourself. Never doubt what you have done, all your decisions have brought you to this point."

There was silence and she continued to walk, but she could barely hear the faint whisper leaving Kreia's mouth. "And now, perhaps they shall see what you have become."

She walked through the Enclave to the room where the Masters would meet and the Council of Dantooine would gather. It was now an open area as the sun peaked through and the walls to the side had closed off some of the doors with the wreckage of the stone and trees.

Vrook, Zez-Kai Ell, and Kavar were staring at the far wall where the platform used to be and many Jedi were made Knights. Vrook's gruff voice broke through, as sad as she had ever heard it. "It is not as it was."

Zez-Kai Ell sounded regretful as he said, "But perhaps that is for the best."

She stepped forward, trying to make a bit of noise on the grass, even though she knew they could sense her arrival. Kavar was the first to turn around and the look in his blue eyes was disconcerting, he was back in his perfect council member role as she had expected, but his eyes showed something else, something that she could not place. "We were wondering when you would arrive." The three Masters stepped forward to face her and she came into position in the circle as she had done countless times before as Padawan. Kavar continued, but his voice was taut, "This moment has taken some time to reach us, but I imagine you have many questions."

She was about to remark in the affirmative when Vrook cut her off, "Or perhaps you have come for revenge."

She was too numb from seeing the Enclave like this to feel the irritation that he had seemingly forgotten all the help she had given with the settlers only a few short months ago, so she ignored him. She took a deep breath and asked the question that she had been try to answer since she had first seen T3-M4's recording of her trial. "I need to know what you spoke of when you cast me out of the Order many years ago."

Vrook was the first to answer and his reply was biting, "You already know the answer – you've noticed it in those who travel with you."

She frowned, the irritation finally seeping through. Her sentence came out more desperate than irritated, she was so tired of waiting. "Could some just give me a straight answer?" she licked her lips, "Please?" she stressed.

Zez-Kai Ell spoke this time, his mustache moving with every shift of his mouth. "The answer has already been shown to you, look at who you travel with." Her thoughts instantly went to Disciple, Atton, Bao-Dur, and Mira, wondering why they were being mentioned. He continued a slight inflection in his heady, even tone of voice, "Have you noticed that when you act others follow?"

She had never really considered it. She was the leader they would follow, she had not even thought of Mira's instincts not to kill being overshadowed, Disciple's usual peaceful mannerisms, Bao-Dur's disgust for war, and Atton's hatred of Jedi… why were they following her?

Kavar looked distraught for a moment and spoke up, "Those that travel with you–"

Zez-Kai Ell finished for him, "They follow you without question, without hesitation."

Mira, Disciple… 

Vrook's face was tight and angry, "Against their instincts and sometimes against their sense."

_Bao-Dur, Atton…_

Kavar sighed, "It is because you are a leader… but that still fails to grasp the meaning of what I am trying to tell you."

She noticed his use of the word 'I' and was beginning to get a knot in her stomach. "So explain yourself," she did not mean for it to come out as stressed at is did.

Vrook huffed at her impatience. "It is not an easy thing to explain… surely are familiar with Force Bonds," she nodded resisting the urge to feel for Kreia, "It is the Bond that develops between Apprentice and Master when one truly understands another. It is developed over time through understanding of each other. Yet you do it so easily and we do not know why." She remembered all the bonds she had formed when she was younger, she never questioned them, they were just there.

Kavar was talking directly to her, as if he was trying to reach her, "You make connections through the Force and it resonates through those that travel with you." He looked at her desolately, "The resonance is even greater when they too are Force sensitive."

_Mira, hunting them for credits, now a Jedi… Disciple, before and now a Jedi… Bao-Dur, once close to them, and now one of them, now a Jedi… Atton, hater of them, destroyer of them, now a Jedi…_

Zez-Kai Ell softened his rough tone for a moment, but the firmness remained. With the realization that they had rehearsed this, her neck was cold and dry, "Your actions affect others more than you know. You draw others to you, especially those strong in the Force."

_All because of her… all because they followed her._

Kavar shook his head, "When you suffer, their spirit echoes it. And when they are in pain, their pain becomes yours."

She was breathing slow and heavy now, "How did this happen?"

His blue eyes shifted and she could see pity, and remorse, "We do not know. But is not the first time you have felt the weight of so many lives."

Zez-Kai Ell finished again, "And that is why the Mandalorian wars echo within you still."

Her words were now breathless and she felt tears pricking mercilessly at the back of her eyes, "So all those deaths at Malachor…?" she trailed off.

Vrook answered her question before she could come back to it, "We did not cut you off from the Force. You were merely deafened to it, because of that last battle of the Mandalorian Wars."

Zez-Kai Ell had an indiscernible emotion in his voice now, "The scream of countless thousands, Jedi and Mandalorians crushed by the planet's gravity… annihilated."

Kavar had found his voice and stepped out of the half circle they had created near her, "Their lives still scream across the surface of that dead planet and within you," his eyes were deep with pain and sympathy, "To hear the Force over such pain… it is not possible." He stepped back and continued, "It was too much for any Jedi to endure… and it is a wonder that you did not die there when thousands perished, all those you had fought with and struggled with." He reached out with his voice as if putting a symbolic hand on her shoulder, "You cut yourself off, because you had to if you were to survive. You had hints of it on the war on Dxun. Malachor was simply the final blow."

_The lush grasses against her skin, that pierce in her heart every time someone next to her fell. Be it Mandalorian or Jedi._

Vrook was quiet and the firmness in his voice was unmistakable, "You were defeated."

She heard Kreia's voice whisper faintly by her ear, "At last, you could hear."

She finally placed the emotion on Kavar's face, regret, "You were broken."

Kreia's voice called out to her again, "You were whole."

Zez-Kai Ell's voice was the softest she had heard, "You were blinded."

Kreia's voice was clear and it had some resonance of finality to it, "And at last, you saw."

Vrook's spoke with conviction now more than before, "When you returned to us, we saw what had happened. You carry all those deaths at Malachor within you, and it has left a hole, a hunger that cannot be filled."

Kavar said his words so softly, "In you, we saw a wound in the Force."

"In you, we saw the end of the Force," with Zez-Kai Ell's words she looked at them with disbelief.

Her chest was starting to contract painfully, "But… that makes no sense. I can feel the Force again."

Vrook scoffed, "Yes… you can feel the Force again but you cannot feel yourself." She ignored the truth to his words, "You are a cipher, forming bonds, leeching the life of others, siphoning their will and dominating them."

Mira, Disciple, Bao-Dur, Atton… 

"It is the teaching of these new Sith, to feed on others, on other Force Sensitives. They are symptomatic of the wound in the Force." His tone of voice was beginning to frighten her, he sounded similar to when he was handing down a sentence on a young Padawan only worse. "You are a breach that must be closed. You transmit your pain, your suffering throughout the Force." She realized why it was familiar; where she had heard him speak this way… where she had heard them all speak this way. "Within you, we see something worse than merely the teachings of the Sith. What you carry may mean the death of the Force… and the death of the Jedi."

Her exile…

She was frantic now her first instinct to bolt, she felt like a cornered animal, "But I can feel the Force, strongly," she repeated, calling it around her as a security blanket to reassure herself that she had not been dreaming.

Vrook shook his head, there was no pity in his voice, "So you think. It is not the strength of a Jedi you feel."

There was pity in Zez-Kai Ell's tone, "He's right. It's… all the death you've caused to get here. You feed on it, and you grow stronger. You're like Malachor… it's in you; it's what you are now."

You're like Malachor… 

"You must have noticed as you've fought across all these planets, killing hundreds – only to become more and more powerful. Why do you think that was?"

She was breathing heavy and fast now… she was certain her fear was noticeable.

Not even Kavar's voice would calm her, if anything it only put her more on edge. "But what's worse, is that bonding you have – it hasn't gone away. It's gotten stronger, and the more attachments you form, the more you draw others to you."

She snapped her head up and him stared into his eyes. _Is that… is that what he thinks?_ She saw the truth and turned away from his gaze in shame, for her or him, she did not know.

Vrook had continued speaking ignoring her increasing terror, "And that is why you are threat to us all."

She gasped suddenly with those words "A threat?" now she truly felt cornered, like some terrible joke had been played and they thought she was someone else. Someone who had killed countless Jedi to get to them for revenge. Someone who had not helped the settlers on Dantooine. Someone who had not saved a young Bounty Hunter from Nar Shaddaa. Someone who had not loved and been loved by Kavar a long time ago.

Vrook was more malicious now, "What if other Jedi went to war as you did, suffered the same events, and emerged as you did. What if there was a crucible that trained such Jedi to consume and kill?"

Zez-Kai Ell's voice was sad, but holding firm, "For you, Malachor was that crucible."

Kavar spoke like himself, the hardened council member was not present in his voice, but only in his words, "What's worse, is these Sith that we face… I fear that they have learned the lesson of Malachor all too well."

_You're like Malachor._

"It is what allows them to prey on Force users, to become stronger when Force Sensitives are near." He was justifying it. Justifying whatever they were going to do and that made her terrified. He had never justified her exile and what could be worse than that?

Vrook was still spiteful, "Somehow, they have learned their hunger from you. And so you have brought about the end of the Jedi, and perhaps all the knowledge of the Force."

He shook his hand, "But it is of no consequence. Your ability to make such connections, such bonds, so easily is why you cannot remain." She shot her head up and her eyes were wild with panic. She desperately wanted to run. He began his sentence, pragmatic and to the point, without truly explaining… just as he always had. "You are a threat to living creatures, and all who feel the Force."

Zez-Kai Ell continued for him, they never spoke a judgment alone. "You will lead the Sith here. And that we cannot allow."

Vrook was about to finish and she felt nausea rise in her stomach and desperation that she could not flee, her feet were stuck. "Our judgment before remains, exile. You must leave… and you must leave without your tie to the Force."

What could be worse? 

"It is a punishment reserved for only a few – and only when necessary, but we have the power to cut you off from the Force, and it must be done."

She looked at him in disbelief, a punishment? She had come back for judgment and they had spurned her. She had spent five years in exile, losing every part of herself. She had come back when they needed her. She had fought their threats. She had come to their aid. She had brought peace to entire worlds. She had traveled in the light.

"Forgive us… but it is necessary." Those were the words that allowed a choked sob to leave her throat. Those coward's words. Once again, Kavar was hiding in the Council, abandoning everything.

She cried out, "I won't give up the Force…" Her voice was barely a whimper as she stared at him, "stop this."

Vrook's statement did not match his harsh tone, "Do not be afraid – you shall feel no pain, but this must be done. As long as you feel the Force, you are a danger to those around you."

She felt her body stiffen and she knew now that she truly was unable to run. She was being held down by all three of them, a calf brought to slaughter.

"Enough!" She heard Kreia's voice loudly this time from behind her, but would not have known it was really her. Kreia knocked back the Masters and pushed Vrook with an extra bit of force that she did not know her teacher possessed, it was so powerful it knocked her down too, but she could at least move her limbs. The stasis field had dissipated with their lapse in concentration.

Kreia pushed Vrook back once more and her voice was strong, "Step away from her."

Vrook was in disbelief, to what, Jene could not tell. "Wh-?"

"Step away!" Kreia cut off his words with her own and another flick of her hand to shove him back. Her voice was more impassioned than Jene had ever heard it, "She has brought truth, and you condemn it? The arrogance!" Kreia shook her head, "You will not harm her. You will not harm her ever again."

Kavar was looking wildly at her, and Jene could sense the fear he was projecting. "I thought you had died in the Mandalorian Wars…"

"Die?" Kreia scoffed. "No – became stronger, yes."

She was slowly rising to her feet as Vrook's words almost knocked her back down with his sharp tone, "Is this your new Master, exile? If so, then you follow Revan's path. Her teachings will cause you to fall as surely as she did."

Jene wanted to shout at him to tell him that she had not fallen, that she had never fallen, but the fear in his voice kept her silent. She had never heard it before.

Zez-Kai Ell spoke directly to Kreia, "We sought to lure the Sith out… and now they have come to us."

Her Master let out a sharp, harsh laugh, "As you would pass judgment on her, I have come to pass judgment on you all."

Kavar was the first to pull out his lightsabers and then Vrook and Zez-Kai Ell followed. Their battle stances tight and tense.

Kreia held no lightsaber in her hand, yet her voice held no fear, "Do you wish to feel the teachings born of the Mandalorian Wars? Of all wars, of all tragedies that scream across the galaxy?" she smiled in a sick and frightening way, "Let me show you – you, who have forever seen the galaxy through the Force." Her hand rose slowly as she spoke these words, "See it through the eyes of the exile."

A burst of dark orange energy surged through her hand throwing the Masters back against the rocks with a sickening thud. It was so strong that it flung Jene in the other direction and she took a sharp intake of breath as her head slammed onto a rock and she felt consciousness leaving her. She could just hear Kreia's voice as her world faded and she tried to hang on, but her grip was slipping fast and only her desperate cling to wakefulness in the hopes to hear Kreia's words kept her eyes partially open.

"How could you ever hope to know the threat you face, when you have never walked in the dark places of the galaxy – faced war and death on such a scale." Kreia was speaking to the Council. "If you had traveled far enough, rather than waiting for the echo to reach you, perhaps you would have seen it for what it was." Her voice sounded disappointed… more like disgusted, "There is a place in the galaxy where the dark side of the Force runs strong. It is something of the Sith, but it was fueled by war.

"It corrupts all that walks on its surface, drowns them in the power of the dark side – it corrupts all life. And it feeds on death. Revan," she spoke her name with reverence, "knew the power of such places… and the power in making them. They can be used to break the will of others… of Jedi, promising them power, and turning them to the dark side." Her tone was mocking now, "Did you never wonder how Revan corrupted so many of the Jedi, so much of the Republic, so quickly?" she jeered, "The Mandalorian Wars were a series of massacres that masked another war, a war of conversion," the way that word was enunciated was even clear to Jene in her half wakened state.

"Culminating a final atrocity that no Jedi could walk away from…" her voice was away from them and Jene could hear it clearly as she clung to consciousness, "save one." Kreia's tone was no longer mocking and harsh, it was understanding and gentle, "And that is what I sought to understand. How one could turn away from such power, give up the Force… and still live." Jene could see Kreia shake her head through the blurring in her vision. "But I see what happened now."

Kreia knelt down next to her and her milky eyes were creased in understanding, "It is because you were afraid."

And with that Jene's world went black and all she could hear, as she slipped into the darkness of whatever awaited her, was the soft tapping of footsteps walking away.

_In Hindsight, I have always been dead. This will be no different._


	4. Epilogue

Big thankyou to everyone on lj and that has reviewed and read this! I have the prologue for the next story I'm working on (a bridge between K1 and K2 - called _Foresight_) that will focus on Revan. It should be up sometime later this week and when that's finally done I'll be started on my uber post TSL epic _Ananmesis_, that will incorporate both stories. Anyway, thanks again and I hope you like the Epilogue. _Ananmesis_ picks up right where this drops off. So enjoy.

Epilogue

There was a bitter cold in the stagnant air of the _Ebon Hawk_ as the ship sputtered around attempting to reach a higher speed than the current snails pace it was running in the ruins of Malachor V. The pilot was nursing a deep cut to his forehead and swearing at the controls. "Move, you stupid piece of –"

"Atton," the tired voice of a Zabrak, holding his side with his good arm (he seemed to have misplaced the other one) and favoring what looked like a broken rib, came through. "I tried getting the hyperdrive online. It should work, but there's still some damage done. I need a little more time."

Atton still had a cloth that was slowly covering in blood pressed against his forehead. "And?"

Bao-Dur narrowed his vision and winced against another onslaught of pain, "Stop messing with the controls and let her drift, you're messing up the calibrations."

Atton groaned and lifted himself out of the chair walked down the hallway to the medbay where a blonde haired, blue-eyed woman sat quietly for the last hour. He turned toward the Disciple, now known to them as Mical (though they hardly called him that), and clenched his teeth, "You gonna use your fancy Jedi powers to fix the gash coming out of my head or you just going to stare at her all day?"

Disciple frowned. "She hasn't moved for over an hour," he looked up at the gash. "Besides why don't you use your lessons to fix your wound?"

He winced as spots went in front of his eyes and leaned against the wall. "Because I didn't get that far, got it, so if you want a _living_ pilot, fix me up!"

The younger man let out a quiet sigh and shot another concerned look towards the woman before tending to the aggravating pilot's wounds. When he was done, Atton felt much less dizzy and sore, so he experimentally poked at the bandage and stumbled. "Careful," warned Disciple.

Atton groaned loudly and cradled his head. "Oh, this is worse than that hangover during the Pazaak Championship in Coruscant."

The blond man ignored him. "How are Bao-Dur and Mira?"

Atton blinked, "The Zabrak is nursing his chest and his arm is missing, that can't be a good thing… and I have no idea where our lady of the bounties went."

He shook his head softly and left Atton in the medbay, hearing him start to talk to the catatonic woman, "So… if you can't say anything, I've got a couple of questions to ask."

Disciple decided to leave him there, it might bring her out of it, if only to yell at the scoundrel. He breathed in deeply, stepping over the buzzing protocol droid looking in search of the rest of the injured crewmembers. Mira was favoring a split lip and quite possibly a broken leg, but her face was hard from her trek on the planets surface and she had a new blade in her hands that she would not speak of. The other Droid that was left was shifting his blaster around and shooting out sparks every time he turned.

It was another hour before anything else happened, broken by a high-pitched beeping from the security room. "What the hell?" Atton's voice came from the communications relay.

Mira limped behind the rest of the crew, and Bao-Dur helped her across, apparently finding his other arm. Disciple walked, careful not to trip over T3-M4 again and HK-47 slowly brought up the rear.

"What is it, Atton?" Bao-Dur asked, still supporting Mira's weight.

Atton shook his head and his eyes were wide in disbelief. "You'll never believe this, but someone is comming us."

Mira grunted and tried to lean on her good leg unsuccessfully, "And we wouldn't believe that why? Maybe it's some Republic do-gooders."

"Or another Sith ship to finish the job," Bao-Dur said softly.

Mira frowned at him, "Great optimism there, BD."

Atton waved his hand towards the screen. "It's coming from one of the dead ships…" everyone was silent as they stared at the still beeping console. "Well?" Atton asked. No one said anything and he sighed, pressing the com button.

A crackle of static came through before a strong female voice pierced the silence. "Space it, you guys have incredible timing."

No one knew how to react to the voice, until T3-M4 started whirring and HK-47 spoke up, "Master?"

The woman still in the medbay stood up suddenly.


End file.
